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Old 09-11-2012, 06:17 PM   #961
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Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him"Grampa, what is couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied,
"Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

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Old 09-12-2012, 03:05 AM   #962
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JTJ
Grandpa, What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather who was working in the yard and asked him"Grampa, what is couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied,
"Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
Nice! That's a laugh out louder right there!
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Old 09-12-2012, 11:42 PM   #963
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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Old 09-13-2012, 09:47 AM   #964
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pic20183.jpg

...............
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Old 09-13-2012, 11:47 AM   #965
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Default Golf accident...

Charlie Willis, a weekend golfer, accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Beth, is a "beautiful and sexy" lady pro golfer who lives in a villa on the Golf
Course heard the noise and saw the overturned cart, yelled over to him.
Hey, are you okay buddy,................ what's your name?"
"Charlie," he replied.

" Charlie, you forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get
The cart upright later."

"That's mighty nice of you," He said, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Beth insisted......... (She was very pretty and very persuasive.) So,
Charlie being a good old boy finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND some sexy pitching and putting lessons, Charlie thanked
His host and said to her....... "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to
Be very very upset about this."

"Don't be foolish!” Beth said with a smile, How would she know that you were here ?
By the way, where is she?"

"She's under the cart!"

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Old 09-13-2012, 11:48 AM   #966
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Default Three wishes....

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

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Old 09-13-2012, 02:36 PM   #967
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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Crap ... is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "Best come-back line ever."

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Old 09-13-2012, 03:50 PM   #968
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A recently divorced guy is walking along the beach in the early morning hours when he comes across a magic lamp, which he picks up and rubs which causes a Genie to come forth. the genie says 'I am going to grant you three wishes, but because of your recent failure to make your marriage work out, whatever you wish for your ex-wife will receive the same thing, but twice as grand and twice as much!

The guy thinks a bit and says, "OK, I'm cool with that even though she got the better part in the divorce.

"I think for my first wish I would like a nice 20 acre place out in the country with a comfortable house, a 5 acre pond and a 200 yard range."

POOF! The guy has what he asks, but right next door his ex-wife is waving from her 40 acres, a large and beautiful mansion, a 10 acre lake, and a 400 yard range

Next, the guy wishes for 10 million dollars in the bank to live off of, and "POOF"! He has it done, but his wife has $20 million in the bank .

The guy looks the Genie in the eye and says, "Now, for my final wish I want you to beat me half to death!"

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Old 09-13-2012, 07:01 PM   #969
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Got this from someone today, who definitely was not the one hearing the tale on the airplane, and I have no idea if it is true, but it is funny.

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.
>
> He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's answer won't be.

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Old 09-13-2012, 08:21 PM   #970
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Supposedly a true story from Notalwaysright.com. Scene- grocery store checkout. Characters- sweet little old lady, young male cashier.

"You are such as fine looking young man. How old are you?"

"I'm 20, ma'am."

"Oh, you should meet my granddaughter. She's 19, and such as cute young girl- I'm sure you'd like her. She's a redhead. All you young men like redheads, don't you?"

"Actually, ma'am, I'm gay."

Without a blink- "Oh, you should meet my grandson."

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