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Old 08-22-2012, 10:44 PM   #921
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

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Old 08-23-2012, 11:25 PM   #922
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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

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Old 08-23-2012, 11:35 PM   #923
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Dumba$$ riddle:
One our most honored presidents was George Washington.
He led our troops to victory over the tyrannical British army.
One thing he had to do was to get his troops across the Delaware River to fight the Redcoats. He assembled his men at the river bank, where there were a few rowboats tied up, waiting for them.
Question: What was the last thing George Washington said to his men before they got into the boats?
Answer: He said, "Get into the boats".

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Old 08-25-2012, 07:07 PM   #924
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A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan,
Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest
Headstone' contest.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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Old 08-25-2012, 07:15 PM   #925
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A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you
ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off,
or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

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Old 08-25-2012, 08:56 PM   #926
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Why do blond women have a ring around their belly button? Because blond guys aren't that smart either.

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Old 08-27-2012, 12:04 AM   #927
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Bubba and Junior have been knocking back a few bottles of beer down by the river- but on the way home they encounter the County Sheriff, and a DUI checkpoint. Bubba tells Junior "Quick, peel a couple of labels off those bottles in the floor!"

Junior does so, and Bubba slaps a label across his forehead, and one on Junior's forehead as well.

When they pull up to the checkpoint, the deputy leans over, takes a sniff, and asks "You boys been drinking tonight/"

Bubba points to the label on his forehead, and says "No sir- we're both on the patch!"

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Old 08-27-2012, 12:05 AM   #928
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Due to the state of the economy, the NRA has been forced to reword the motto of Charlton Heston.

It is now "They can have my gun when they pry the pawn ticket from my cold dead fingers!"

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Old 08-27-2012, 07:18 AM   #929
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Default Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this
as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in
advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters
writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise
I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for
something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling
I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion
to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Stuggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking
the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen
by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around
in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later
found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in
vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle
was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was
a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate
and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up
my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "
Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an
involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the
special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the
ice cream was didn't improve my status....So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.......

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Old 08-27-2012, 11:57 AM   #930
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That is classic. Loved it!

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