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Old 08-19-2012, 02:54 AM   #911
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
Weird! I seriously just got back from the Disco! We danced with a rockin' couple of 75 year olds!
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:25 PM   #912
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Yep. And you'd likely see a couple of 90-year-olds doin the "Charleston" or the "Jitter-Bug".

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Old 08-21-2012, 01:35 AM   #913
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Default Just to keep the dance theme going!

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, then gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. Then he hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers outta me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife have been havin trouble lately in the bedroom 'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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Old 08-21-2012, 01:37 AM   #914
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I was visiting my son and family last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.

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Old 08-21-2012, 01:39 AM   #915
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Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar, and was about as drunk as it's possible to get?

A group of guys noticed his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home. First, they stood him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he kept falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, he fell down another four times as they were getting him to the door.

His wife came to the door, and one guy said, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asked, "Where's his wheelchair?"

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Old 08-21-2012, 05:02 PM   #916
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Old man had a bad habit of coming to bed every night and before he layed down he would just sit there and fart and fart and fart . Wife kept telling him , one day your goning to fart your guts out .
Well the wife got tired of this and figured she would get him for good , she gathered some chicken guts one night and hide them in his usual spot , not being able to control her laughter she heads tot he bathroom while he is in there farting away .
She comes out and sees the old man has a shocked look on his face and when she asked him whats wrong he replies
Honey , you were right ! I sat here and farted my guts out ! But with Gods help and these 2 fingers I got them back in

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Old 08-21-2012, 11:58 PM   #917
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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Old 08-22-2012, 11:52 AM   #918
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APHORISMS FOR THE YEAR

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough "youth".

How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party
When blondes have more fun,do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

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Old 08-22-2012, 12:52 PM   #919
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Default Seniors do it AGAIN!!

[SIZ

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."



E="2"][/SIZE]

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Old 08-22-2012, 01:03 PM   #920
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I found out decades ago when I was young that a blonde has a special way of closing a rear door of a car:
She reaches out and hooks the door handle with her foot and pulls it shut.

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