Firearm & Gun Forum - FireArmsTalk.com > General Discussion Forums > The Club House > Joke Forum?

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-06-2012, 05:47 PM   #901
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Zombiegirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northwest,Indiana
Posts: 4,126
Liked 1815 Times on 994 Posts
Likes Given: 2

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought,

"I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,

"Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained,

"The egg timer's broken."
Now that's funny!!
__________________
Zombiegirl is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-07-2012, 03:15 AM   #902
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Daoust_Nat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Orlando,Florida
Posts: 2,035
Liked 1155 Times on 566 Posts
Likes Given: 72

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zombiegirl View Post
Now that's funny!!
Sadly, it could happen to any of us! Actually, if you think about it, it's not a bad thing!
__________________
Daoust_Nat is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2012, 12:14 AM   #903
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Daoust_Nat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Orlando,Florida
Posts: 2,035
Liked 1155 Times on 566 Posts
Likes Given: 72

Default

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

__________________
Daoust_Nat is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-08-2012, 01:35 AM   #904
10-32
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
mountainman13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11,525
Liked 2917 Times on 1718 Posts

Default

Ahhh Lmfao.

__________________

I don't need No stinking signature.

mountainman13 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-17-2012, 01:58 AM   #905
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Gatoragn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: North GA. Back home in Dixieland.
Posts: 3,383
Liked 1159 Times on 647 Posts
Likes Given: 468

Default Got this in an e-mail

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room

__________________
Gatoragn is offline  
4
People Like This 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2012, 12:55 AM   #906
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
RustyShackleford101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 771
Liked 80 Times on 67 Posts

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatoragn
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room
This is hilarious.
__________________
RustyShackleford101 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2012, 02:24 PM   #907
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Daoust_Nat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Orlando,Florida
Posts: 2,035
Liked 1155 Times on 566 Posts
Likes Given: 72

Default

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful Diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"

__________________
Daoust_Nat is offline  
2
People Like This 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2012, 02:51 PM   #908
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
shooter88's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 558
Liked 38 Times on 28 Posts

Default

Great thread

__________________
shooter88 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2012, 04:50 PM   #909
Lifetime Supporting Member
FTF_LIFETIMESUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 1 reviews
 
Vikingdad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Santa Cruz Mountains,CA
Posts: 13,427
Liked 7727 Times on 4460 Posts
Likes Given: 9960

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatoragn View Post
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room
True story here.

Back in the mid-1990's I managed to fillet my hand with a machete while working out in the boonies. I put a glove on (which I should have had on in the firs place, but I digress) and cinched up the wrist band to slow the bleeding and headed out to get to the ER. An hour or so later in the ER the triage nurse asked to look at the wound, so, over a sink, I removed the glove and showed her my hand and she asked what had happened.

With a straight face I said "Well, my wife was mad at me and tried to cut my penis off. Fortunately I was masturbating at the time, so this is all that happened."

Three or four heartbeats after that I said "Just kidding!" and told her the real story.

Keep in mind this was very soon after the Lorena Bobbitt incident-
__________________
Vikingdad is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2012, 06:39 PM   #910
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Daoust_Nat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Orlando,Florida
Posts: 2,035
Liked 1155 Times on 566 Posts
Likes Given: 72

Default

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

__________________
Daoust_Nat is offline  
MobileMarine Likes This 
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Firearms Forum Replies Last Post
Is it just me or does the firing line forum seem restrictive compared to this forum tiberius10721 The Club House 43 03-20-2013 04:39 PM
Fixing Death Row: Not a joke or forum game Dillinger The Club House 30 06-26-2010 07:40 PM
Joke Of the Day markerdown The Club House 8 11-13-2009 07:09 PM
Joke of the Day markerdown The Club House 5 10-23-2009 11:20 PM



Newest Threads