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Old 07-21-2012, 11:18 PM   #841
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Carolyn, a rich blonde,
buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
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Old 07-22-2012, 07:44 PM   #842
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
Carolyn, a rich blonde,
buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.
She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.
The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
I have had that problem for years! These goddang new fangled automatics are so complicated!
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Old 07-23-2012, 06:57 AM   #843
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Default The Farmer

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...


Now give me back my dog!
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:04 PM   #844
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Best way to deal with Plumbers Crack yet!


Description: https://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/428789_342555655819936_137719319_n.jpg
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:46 PM   #845
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u x u r y C r u i s e L i n e s
Now Accepting Reservations! Additional cruise information available below.

To The Point Cruise Lines is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise,
along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia
Ultimate Adventure Cruise Route
Rates and Availability
Ship Name
Starting Price
Days
Availability
Sun Splendor $5,200.00
Grand Voyage $6,150.00
Horizons IV $7,091.00
Horizons III $5,200.00
Grand Voyage II $6,300.00
Grand Voyage III $5,200.00
Coastal Paradise $5,200.00
Coastal Paradise II $8,200.00
Peril Princess $5,200.00
peril Princess II $5,200.00
We board our luxury cruise ships in Djibouti on the Gulf of Aden near the entrance to the Red Sea ,and disembark in Mombasa Kenya , seven adrenaline-charged days later.
Reservations start at only $5,200 per-person (double occupancy, inside room)
and $6,900 (verandah complete with bench rest).

You'll relax like never before!
That's because you are welcome to bring
your own arsenal with you.
If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them from our onboard Master Gunsmith.
Enjoy reloading parties every afternoon,
with skeet and marksmanship competitions every night!

But the best fun of all, of course, is...
...Pirate Target Practice!
The object of our cruise is to sail up and down the Somali Coast waiting to get hijacked by pirates!

Weapons rentals:

Weapon Selection
Description
AK-47 Light Assault
$12.00
Per Day
On a budget? Rent a full-auto scope-mounted AK-47 for only $9/day
with 7.62 ball ammo at $12 per 100 rounds:

M-16 Full Automatic
$25.00Per Day
Rent a full auto M-16 for only $25/day with ammo
attractively priced at $16 per 100 rounds of 5.56 armor-piercing:

Barrett M-107 50 Caliber
$59.00 Per Day
Hello! Nothing gets a pirate's attention like a Barrett M-107 50-cal rifle; only $59/day with 25 rounds of armor-piercing ammo
affordably priced at only $29.95.

RPG Launcher
$175.00
Per Day
Want to make a real impact? Rent an RPG for only $175/day
with three fragmentation rounds included!
A true favorite among pirates, rent one today and show you care!

Customer Testimonials
"Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates, my wife nailed two,
and my 12-year old son sank two boats with the mini-gun.
This wonderful cruise was fun for the whole family"-- Fred D., Cincinnati , OH
"Pirates 0, Passengers 32! Well worth the trip! Can't recommend it highly enough!" -- Ben L., Bethesda , MD
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
Twin mounted mini-guns are available for rental
at only $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire!

Additional Cruise Line Services
Need a spotter? Our professional crew members can double as spotters for only $30/hour.
(spotting scope included, but gratuities are not)
Also included: Free complimentary night vision equipment -
and throughout the night, coffee, pastries and snacks are always available on the main deck from 7pm until 6am
Our deluxe package comes complete with gourmet meals and all rooms offer a mini-bar
OUR SATISFACTION GUARANTEE!

We guarantee you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates
or you'll receive an instant $1,000 refund upon arrival in Mombasa .

How can we make that guarantee? We operate at 5 knots just beyond 12 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia ,
thus in international waters where pirates have no rights whatever.
In fact, we make three passes through the area's most treacherous waters to ensure maximum visibility
by Somali mother ships.
We repeat this for five days, making three complete passes past the entire Somali Coast .
At night, the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot every five minutes, with loud disco music
directionally beamed shore side to attract maximum attention.

ACT NOW!
Cabin space is limited so you need to respond quickly. Reserve your package before Oct 31st and get a great bonus -
100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice! So sign up for the Ultimate SomaliCoast Adventure Cruise now!
BUT THERE'S EVEN MORE!
Reserve Now -and be automatically entered to win a 5 minute time slot on the Captain's own Twin Browning 50 Caliber M2HB installation!

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in ' Nam . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates...
they never even got close to the ship with the crap they shoot and their lousy aim...
Come on board and bag your own clutch of genuine Somali pirates!"
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:05 PM   #846
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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can
have sex at 79. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too
far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't
have to cross the road!
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:10 PM   #847
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Ohhh I wish that was
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:38 PM   #848
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"I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........

I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"
So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's pretty much all I remember....."
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:35 AM   #849
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Hey MobileMarine, I just remembered what happened last time the FTF went on a boat cruise.......
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:24 PM   #850
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Dan- it is good that you are starting to remember things- we were afraid that the combination of Tequila and immersion in cold water might have done permanent damage to your memory.

Let me know when the memory gets to the part of the $20 I loaned you that day....
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