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Old 07-08-2012, 12:25 PM   #831
Mommy, who lights the sun?
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A 62 year old woman gets a phone call from her 90 year old mother. "Honey, I have some bad news for you. Your father has died of a heart attack." "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry! I'll be right over."

The daughter arrives quickly. They hug, they cry, they hug some more and cry some more. When the crying finally stops, the daughter asks, "Mom, how did this happen?" Mom: "Well dear, we were having sex as usual on Sunday morning ..." Daughter: "WHAT!!! Wait, no, too much information,... ummm... can you still do that?" Mom: "Of course, dear, you just have to be more careful." Daughter: "OK, but why on Sunday morning."

Mom: "It's the church bells, dear. In on the Ding, Out on the Dong, he knew he didn't have to last too long ... He'd still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck!"

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Old 07-09-2012, 09:12 PM   #832
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Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a night.

Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life!

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Old 07-09-2012, 09:25 PM   #833
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Default Millionaires.......

What do you say to an athlete in a three piece suit..... Will the defendant please rise......

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Old 07-09-2012, 09:26 PM   #834
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Default Oldies....

yea I know.......

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Old 07-18-2012, 10:51 PM   #835
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Gary and Harold from Saskatoon are drinking in a bar. Gary says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"



"Aw crap..," says Harold, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"

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Old 07-19-2012, 10:55 PM   #836
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I had a friend some years ago who worked at a chewing gum factory. One day, he lost his footing and fell into an enormous vat of freshly made chewing gum. But he didn't have to struggle very long, the boss came along and chewed him out.

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Old 07-20-2012, 12:18 AM   #837
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh1158
Thats a retarted question.
Who is retarded
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Old 07-20-2012, 01:46 AM   #838
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Kansas, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

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Old 07-20-2012, 03:03 AM   #839
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swervin

Who is retarded
Dont know, when did I say that? I think I might have been drunk. Im bad for gettin all plasterd then posting the first thing that comes to mind.
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Old 07-21-2012, 11:16 PM   #840
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It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup,
and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much
larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ..........
My dog is a DEMOCRAT !!!!

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