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Old 12-17-2010, 07:15 AM   #71
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Default Btw, when I was driving down I-90...

Between Post Falls & Coeur d Alene...A bus full of Japanese tourists that I
passed "must have nearly worn-out their cameras as I had 2 of my long-
guns in the gunrack"!
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:34 PM   #72
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Did you hear Michael Vick has a new shoe endorsment?...HusH Puppies....Atlanta's Humane Society is accepting Vick jerseys for dog kennels flooring...
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:44 PM   #73
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Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?...He heard the snowblower coming...
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:16 PM   #74
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Default Saying goodbye to Mother

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:18 PM   #75
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Default A Christmas story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:24 PM   #76
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Default Marine on the train

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so
rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:25 PM   #77
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Default Groundhog update

It appears that both the State of the Union address and Groundhog's Day will occur on the same day in the coming year.

Two interesting, although relatively meaningless, traditions. One involves people looking to a creature of limited intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.



=
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:28 PM   #78
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Default Irish Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:33 PM   #79
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Default Chinese sick leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache
and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go
to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes
everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:35 PM   #80
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Default A good Texan

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he
was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was
carrying. Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling
to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped
to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's
Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
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