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Old 06-01-2012, 04:07 AM   #741
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bear304inc View Post
an old man calls downstairs to his wife " honey come up here and help me with my clock ". Wife replies" in a minute sweetie", again the man calls for his wife " baby come help me with my clock" wife has enough and heads upstairs, when she went into their bedroom the man is standing on the bed, butt naked with a raging boner. The wife looks confused and says " dear that's not a clock". To which the man replies " it will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"
hahahahahah xd
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Old 06-01-2012, 07:10 PM   #742
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Two newlyweds are on the way to their honeymoon destination when the groom jokes about hardly being able to wait for the after hours activity since they had waited till they were married. Then the bride says shyly " um sweetie I'm a lil bit embarrassed to say I'm very flatchested, I hope it doesn't bother you". The groom replies " oh don't worry. I love you no matter what, besides I gotta tell you I'm hung like a baby, if it makes you feel any better ".
So later that night after dinner and dancing they get to the hotel and begin to undress. The bride takes her shirt off and the groom says "aww baby that's not bad your gorgeous ".
Now the groom takes his pants off his bride takes one look, gasps, then faints.
When she wakes she asks " I thought you were hung like a baby?".
To which the groom replies " I am dear,,, 6 pounds 21 inches",,,,,,,,,,,,,
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Old 06-02-2012, 06:06 PM   #743
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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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Old 06-03-2012, 03:27 AM   #744
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Being a late comer, I haven't read all 742 replies to this thread, so I hope this one hasn't already been posted.


Veteran Hats and .......... Morons
A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' hat.
I never had one of these before and I was pretty hyped about it, especially
because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.
There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.


While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vet Nam Vet?"
"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that hat?"
"Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh" the Walmartian queried,
"When was that?"
God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936"

He pondered my response for a moment and responded,
"Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure.. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing.
"That is seriously Awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah." he gave me the "don't threaten me look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat
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Old 06-03-2012, 04:32 AM   #745
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Sven was an older Norwegian gent that drove a cab in Minneapolis. One day, Sven is on break, eating his sandwich, when a completely naked, very obviously drunk woman opens the door of the cab, and climbs in the back seat and demands "Drive me to the Hotel St. Paul" .

Sven turns around, looks at her, but says not a word.

The woman snarls "Quit staring at me- you never seen a naked woman before?"

Sven slowly said "I not be staring at you."

The drunk responded, "Well, if you ain't staring at my boobies, what ARE you doing?"

Sven said. "Vell, I look, and I look, and I been t'inking- Vere da hell does she keep da money she gonna use to pay the cab fare?"
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:56 PM   #746
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I don't know if this is the same Sven or not, but some poor guy named Sven had the priviledge of driving Miss Daisy home from the Saturday quilting bee each week. Sven kinda got interested in her, but was unable to get her to notice him. She would just sit and look straight ahead without saying a word. So Sven asked his friend Olaf how to get her interested. Olaf said, "Vell Sven, you haff got to giff her a reason to start talking, try painting the tip of yer horse's tail bright red. She'll notice that and ask about it, then you can vork the conversation around to sex". So Sven painted the tip of the horse's tail. The next Saturday, Sven gave Miss Daisy a ride, but she didn't say a word, but stared straight ahead. So Olaf told Sven, "Try painting the whole horse red". So the next Saturday, Sven drove Miss Daisy in his wagon with the bright red horse pulling it. All at once, Miss Daisy said, "Why Sven, you haff a red horse!" Sven's heart lept with joy, and he said, "That's right Miss Daisy, lets f#@K".

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Old 06-05-2012, 10:28 AM   #747
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Speaking of horses..........

Following was related not as a joke, but a true story. Older neighbor of mine when a kid, who was quite a character- and a semi-pro horse trader (literally- real horses)

In his teens, he had arranged to take a very pretty young miss to church one Sunday- BIG social thing back then. He is all dressed up, buggy clean and shiny, new horse, impeccably groomed.

Beautiful horse. Glossy jet black. High spirited. Trotted with its tail up. Which glaringly revealed the ONE spot on that horse that was NOT jet black. Yep, right there- THAT hole- pale white. Which, when riding in a buggy, is about 6 ft right in front of you.

Young lady said nothing, but you know how teenagers can be- he was very uncomfortable. Sitting together in church, he excused himself, slipped out to where the horses were tied, took his hanky, scooped a dab of axle grease from a wheel, lifted the tail, and camo'ed that pale white butt, and went back and rejoined the young lady.

On the way home, she said nothing- but there was an obvious chill in the air- something was not right- but he had no idea what was wrong. When he pulled up at her house she turned to him, and furiously demanded "Calvin, How COULD you? You could have waited, but you have to be horse trading on Sundays too?"
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Old 06-05-2012, 02:31 PM   #748
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Old man had been fishing the same spot for years , every day with out fail .
One day the warden comes up and ask to see his catch . The old man shows him and the warden says sir them fish are too small , Im afraid we have a problem .
Well Mr warden , would you believe these fish want to be in this boat , I catch them everyday and when Im done I put them back but they come right back to the boat wanting to get in .
The old man tells the warden , here Ill show you . He puts the fish back in the water and a few minutes go by and the warden says , sir , I dont see your fish coming back up wanting to get in .
The old man replies

What fish ?
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:49 PM   #749
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That's hella gross.
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Old 06-07-2012, 04:59 PM   #750
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How dare you look up my girls skirt. Lol
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