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Old 05-27-2012, 04:52 AM   #731
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverRat68

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.
Very very true
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:47 AM   #732
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Thats a retarted question.

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Old 05-29-2012, 02:48 AM   #733
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Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

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Old 05-29-2012, 03:52 AM   #734
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There was a husband who was suspicious that his wife was unfaithful. When he finally went on a business trip he but a bowl of milk under the bed. He rigged a spoon so it would dip into, and pick up some milk if her and a land a lover got into bed (he could check the spoon for milk when he got home)but it wouldn't trigger if just she got into bed. After he got home he checked under the bed, all the milk had turned to butter!

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Old 05-29-2012, 08:01 AM   #735
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At a club last night, I got talking to a really attractive 60-year-old.

I found myself thinking..... I bet she's got a really hot daughter.

We shared a bottle of wine, then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportman's Double?".

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh!" I said, as my mind embraced the idea. "No, I haven't," I replied, wondering what her daughter might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink, then it's "Your Lucky Night."

Arriving back to her place, she switched the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom, are you still awake?"

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Old 05-29-2012, 01:12 PM   #736
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Once upon a time a young guy and a young lady got married (they used to do that, you know). When they got to the hotel where they were going to spend their honeymoon, they got started undressing. The guy took off his shoes and socks. His blushing bride got a confused look on her face and pointed at his feet. "What happened to your toes, they are all shrivelled up and little bitty?" He said, "When I was young I had a terrible disease called Tolio". She said, "Oh". Then he puled off his jeans. She said, "What in the world happened to your knees, they are all shriveled and little bitty". He said, "When I was young I had a terrible disease called Kneesles". She said, "Oh". Then he took off his drawers. She gasped, then said, "Wait - don't tell me. When you were young you had a terrible disease called Smallcox".

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Old 05-29-2012, 11:52 PM   #737
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

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Old 05-30-2012, 11:07 PM   #738
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to
each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out
and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you
wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one,
buddy! I had that done when I was BORN...Couldn't walk for a year

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Old 05-30-2012, 11:26 PM   #739
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you!

I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

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Old 06-01-2012, 03:49 AM   #740
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An old man calls downstairs to his wife " honey come up here and help me with my clock ". Wife replies" in a minute sweetie", again the man calls for his wife " baby come help me with my clock" wife has enough and heads upstairs, when she went into their bedroom the man is standing on the bed, butt naked with a raging boner. The wife looks confused and says " dear that's not a clock". To which the man replies " it will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

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