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Old 05-17-2012, 12:56 AM   #721
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Politicians are like sperm, only one out of a million are actually human beings

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Old 05-22-2012, 03:06 PM   #722
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~ Men's Age (As Determined By Home Depot) ~

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house--Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you probably do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your ----- are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

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Old 05-22-2012, 03:11 PM   #723
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Lol. It sounds like I'm in my mid 60's

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Old 05-22-2012, 03:27 PM   #724
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mountainman13 View Post
Lol. It sounds like I'm in my mid 60's
I'm the hot chick at the register. ROFL
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:51 PM   #725
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Quote:
Originally Posted by winds-of-change

I'm the hot chick at the register. ROFL
Don't need glasses to know you're smoking hot.
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Old 05-22-2012, 04:02 PM   #726
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mountainman13 View Post
Don't need glasses to know you're smoking hot.
No, but you must be blind.
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Old 05-22-2012, 06:40 PM   #727
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What if your pants AND underwear have holes in the saddle ? Yea my wife thinks its funny to let me walk around in public with the ass missing out of my pants , like a pair of assless chaps .
My dad on the other hand has no shame . He will wear a pair of CUT OFF sweatpants and pull them up to his chest with some t-shirt that has been dyed pink or somthing . No shame ..... no shame , and im getting the same way .
I got one shirt that lets a hairy nipple out , and just the nipple and ill rock the hell out of it

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Old 05-23-2012, 11:22 PM   #728
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Daoust_Nat Outstanding!! Great!!!
LOL

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Old 05-26-2012, 03:05 PM   #729
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WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed It down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said:

'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like s#@t.'

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Old 05-27-2012, 03:49 AM   #730
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Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.
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