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Old 05-13-2012, 09:44 PM   #701
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Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC


On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband
had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I' ve ever
heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
Rotflmao.

Reminds me of a woman I used to know, named Phyllis.
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:50 PM   #702
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Originally Posted by AIKIJUTSU View Post
************************************************** **********************


Only the Irish have Jokes like These!!!




Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ************************************************** ******
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ************************************************** *******

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim..."How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no, in fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************** ************************************************** ********

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR LAST:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Irish do tell really good jokes, indeed. Tagging these for future use.
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Old 05-13-2012, 09:55 PM   #703
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Originally Posted by dragunovsks View Post
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and all on board perish. Now all are in line at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St Peter asks the first girl, "Tammy, have you ever had any contact with a naughty male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well i once touched one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "Ok dip the tip of your finger into the holy water and pass through the pearly gates."

He asks the next girl the same question. She says, "Well i once stroked and fondled one." So he tells her to dip her whole hand in the holy water and pass through the pearly gates.

All of the sudden there is a bunch of commotion from the back of the line. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. She gets to front and St Peter asked, "Lacy, what seems to be the rush?"

She says, "If Im gonna have to gargle that holy water i wanna do it before Kim sticks her ass in it!"
Gotta love it!
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Old 05-13-2012, 10:07 PM   #704
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A tourist walked into a Atlantic City curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
Statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.' As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds
and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, as he ran, he
looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS.

They were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat
far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a NY Yankees fan,
and anything French!'
Bravo! This one is great too!
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Old 05-13-2012, 10:25 PM   #705
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It just hit me! My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick

................................My dog is a Congressman.
I think perhaps my Congressman is a dog
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Old 05-14-2012, 04:08 PM   #706
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I think perhaps my Congressman is a dog
Mine are not only dogs, they are bitches! (Pelosi, Boxer and Eshoo)

(not proud of this and its not really funny...)
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Old 05-14-2012, 04:17 PM   #707
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

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Oh dern....


Revelation 19:11

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

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Old 05-15-2012, 04:01 AM   #708
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Here's one for you all...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it... whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what did he do?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!......

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Old 05-15-2012, 04:03 AM   #709
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Lmfao that's a good one

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Old 05-15-2012, 04:07 AM   #710
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Lmfao that's a good one
Yes it is but its already been posted on here.

God didnt make all men equal colonel Sam Colt did
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