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Old 04-29-2012, 11:22 PM   #681
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Originally Posted by mudpupp View Post
One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama.

I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir
I'm only 64 but I will take 3 days out of my work load to go and get the same responce!!! Semper Fi
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Old 04-29-2012, 11:42 PM   #682
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I'm only 64 but I will take 3 days out of my work load to go and get the same responce!!! Semper Fi
I'm not old but I'd still go and shake the fellow Marines hand for that good intel

God didnt make all men equal colonel Sam Colt did
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:57 PM   #683
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor...

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'>

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

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Old 04-30-2012, 10:46 PM   #684
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If someone who likes quizzes is quizzical, what do you call them if they like tests?

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Old 04-30-2012, 10:51 PM   #685
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If someone who likes quizzes is quizzical, what do you call them if they like tests?
Testy

God didnt make all men equal colonel Sam Colt did
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:41 PM   #686
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************************************************** **********************


Only the Irish have Jokes like These!!!




Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ************************************************** ******
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ************************************************** *******

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim..."How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no, in fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************** ************************************************** ********

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************** ************************************************** *****

AND THE BEST FOR LAST:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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Old 05-03-2012, 02:48 PM   #687
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The liberals are asking us
to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you
like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders,
blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

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Old 05-03-2012, 10:01 PM   #688
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.

I played like I've never played before,......all for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,.......and we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost.

It's a guy thing.

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Old 05-03-2012, 10:02 PM   #689
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Lmfao! Ahh sh%t

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Old 05-04-2012, 01:27 AM   #690
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Sadly, not a joke- true story related by a friend. He was the commander of the honor guard for the funeral of an old vet back in the hills of KY. Honor Guard handles flag on coffin, and fires 3 volleys over the grave.

Cemetery in the middle of nowhere was on a STEEP hillside. Firing detail trying not to fall off sopping wet grass on hillside, crowded in a bit TOO close to grave. Muzzle flash from first volley set the canvas awning over the grave on fire.

Young preacher got excited, ran up to canopy, foot hit wet patch, lost footing, slid UNDER the coffin, into the open grave. Daughter grabbed flower arrangement, beat out the flames.

Family all agreed the deceased would have approved- he loved a good joke.

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