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Old 11-16-2010, 11:18 PM   #51
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A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the hell is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail and threw it across the street.
Two years later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for?"

Obama's piglets
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, sir."

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Old 11-17-2010, 12:53 AM   #52
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A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

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Old 11-17-2010, 12:56 AM   #53
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Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Damn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

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Old 11-17-2010, 06:34 PM   #54
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Wife wanted something for her birthday that when't 0-to-150 in six secounds........So I bought her a bathroom scale.....

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Old 11-17-2010, 07:33 PM   #55
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Wife was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw,and said to me,I look old,fat and ugly,I feel horrible. I really need you to pay me a compliment...I replied your eyesight's damn near perfect and then the fight started....

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Old 11-17-2010, 08:32 PM   #56
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Thought it was my turn to chime in...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer . . .
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
" When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway. "

The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.

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Old 11-18-2010, 11:00 AM   #57
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A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Hank home?" he asks.

"No, I'm sorry, he's out running some errands," she replies.

"Would you mind if I wait?" he asks.

"No, that would be fine. Come on in," she says.

They go into the kitchen, sit down, and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Laura thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see both of them together."

Laura thinks about it and figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look. He thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table and says, "I really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves.

A short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door. "Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says.

Hanks thinks for a moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

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Old 11-19-2010, 07:56 AM   #58
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Default Longhair...lmao!

That was a "good un"!

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Old 11-19-2010, 06:01 PM   #59
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One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law (we know where this is going) a cemetery plot as a x-mas gift...The next year,I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why,I replied well you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!!!...Then the fight started...

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Old 11-19-2010, 07:19 PM   #60
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He had led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock." The drunk replies.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" The friend asked looking at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Abruptly some one on the other side of the wall screamed, "You inconsiderate moron! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

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