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Old 02-24-2012, 02:21 AM   #571
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I got a better solution , dont get a cat .....

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Old 02-24-2012, 02:35 AM   #572
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Originally Posted by MobileMarine
I got a better solution , dont get a cat .....
That works too but then again my mute LOVES cats.....alive until he catches em that is then his "fun" starts

God didnt make all men equal colonel Sam Colt did
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:44 PM   #573
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On Obamas inauguration day almost 2 million people showed up for the ceremony
But some how no one missed work

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Old 03-01-2012, 12:43 AM   #574
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Isn't It Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is
pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, also part of the Department of
Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the
animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

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Old 03-01-2012, 12:56 AM   #575
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jca1
Isn't It Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is
pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, also part of the Department of
Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the
animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.
NICE!!!

Just like the Sec of Energy said today that the administration doesn't care about high gas prices!! What a joke these losers are!
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:13 AM   #576
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SMART ASS:

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks
set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

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Old 03-01-2012, 01:14 AM   #577
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The Monkey in the Bar

A man takes his pet monkey to a bar.

The man is sitting at the bar having a beer, and the monkey jumps up on the bar and spots the drink condiment tray and starts to eat the red marchino cherries.

He then spots the red 3 ball on the pool table, so he jumps down off the bar and up on the pool table and swallows down the red 3 ball.

The following week the man comes back into the bar with his pet monkey and while he is having a beer, the monkey starts taking the red marchino cherries from the drink condiment tray and puts each one up his ass before eating it.

Confused, the bar tender asks the man why is your monkey putting the cherries up his ass before he eats them, the man replied that after he swallowed that red 3 ball last week, he now checks everything he eats for size first.

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Old 03-01-2012, 01:16 AM   #578
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your ****ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Old 03-01-2012, 01:21 AM   #579
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Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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Old 03-01-2012, 01:29 AM   #580
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7 yr. old Little johnny and his 6yr old lil brother jimmy were sitting in their room and johnny says to timmy, you know since we're all grown up now, I think its time we started cussing. I'll say f**k and you can say sh*t. Lil jimmy agrees as their mom calls them downstairs and asks them what they wanted for dinner. Lil johnny pipes up,, F**k ma how bout a steak? His mom starts screaming and whoopin his tail all the way to his room. Then comes back down looks right at lil jimmy and says, what about you young man? Lil jimmy says, aww I don't know ma, but I sure as sh*t don't want a steak......

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