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Old 01-30-2012, 12:01 AM   #491
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Sorry I don't get it
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:20 AM   #492
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man,
opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey?
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you,
det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are
you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to
myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
He sounds Norwegian to me.
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:23 AM   #493
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vikingdad

He sounds Norwegian to me.
Or swedish

God didnt make all men equal colonel Sam Colt did
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:32 PM   #494
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Sorry , kinda long but funny
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:57 PM   #495
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You made my day!^^^
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Old 01-30-2012, 06:24 PM   #496
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God some people can be so dumb
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Old 01-30-2012, 06:28 PM   #497
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh1158
God some people can be so dumb
Seems like lawyers are on the top of the dumbazz list.
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Old 01-30-2012, 08:08 PM   #498
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Q. What do you say when you meet a lawyer with an IQ of 60?





A. Good morning, your Honor.
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:55 PM   #499
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Q: What do you call a doctor that graduated at the bottom of his class ?






A: A doctor ...............
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:02 AM   #500
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First time I've smiled all day.
Thanks.
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