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Old 01-26-2012, 02:39 PM   #481
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Carrie Underwood called me last night to tell me that she was pregnant with my child ....

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:23 PM   #482
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A doctor was driving home from a long night in the ER. As he passed the speed limit sign that said 55 he looked down and was doing 75. He had just come over the overpass when wouldn't you know it right at the bottom of the overpass was a trooper. So on came the troopers lights and the doctor pulled over. The trooper asked the man where was he coming from.

Doctor- I just got off work at the hospital

Trooper- what kind of doctor are you?

Doctor- I am a anus stretcher

Trooper- a what?

Doctor- I stretch a$$ holes. You see I take a anus and insert a device that over time will stretch a normal anus to about 6 foot wide.

Trooper- what the hell would you do with a 6 foot a$$ hole?

Doctor- I don't know, maybe put him at the bottom of an overpass with a radar gun.

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Old 01-26-2012, 05:38 PM   #483
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A father came home from work and walked upstairs to his 13 year old sons bedroom. The bedroom was empty with only a letter on top of the dresser marked "for dad". The note read
"Dad you know I love you and Mom very much and I enjoyed the time we spent together, but today I met a wonderful lady named Trisha. Trisha told me all about how she loved me and that we could live together forever at her house far away. Also she told me that she has a wonderful thing called HIV that she said she would share with me so I could have it too. Please tell Mom I love her very much and I will never forget you.
Love, Your son Tommy
When the father read this he was horrified and could not belive what had happened he was just about to call the police when he saw a P.S. On the back of the note that read.
So now you see dad that there are far more worse things in life than me getting a D on my report card today. Ill be at Timmy's house until your ready to call. Love you.

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Old 01-26-2012, 05:54 PM   #484
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A lady was working the front desk of the local sperm bank. Just then a masked man busts in the front doors and puts a gun to her head. He demands that she opens the vault. She tries to explain that they are a sperm bank and not a real BANK. He shoves her into the back room and tells her to open the vault (pointing to the fridge where the donations are kept). She opens the fridge. He then tells her to take out one of the cups filled with sperm. The masked man then tells her to drink it. Then orders her to drink another and another. After the third one he rips off his mask and to the woman's surprise it is her husband. The husband looks at his wife and says "its not that bad after all, now is it?"

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Old 01-26-2012, 06:18 PM   #485
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That's poor taste....

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Old 01-26-2012, 06:33 PM   #486
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A young woman was driving down the interstate in excess of the speed limit,a state trooper pulled her over. As the trooper walked up to the window,flipping open his ticket book, the young woman said "So,i bet your going to invite me to the tennessee state trooper's ball". the officer looked puzzled and said "ma'am,tennessee state troopers dont have balls". the woman continued to smile,looking at the trooper until he closed his book said, "have a good day ma'am" and walked back to his cruiser.

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Old 01-26-2012, 06:51 PM   #487
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jstrong
A young woman was driving down the interstate in excess of the speed limit,a state trooper pulled her over. As the trooper walked up to the window,flipping open his ticket book, the young woman said "So,i bet your going to invite me to the tennessee state trooper's ball". the officer looked puzzled and said "ma'am,tennessee state troopers dont have balls". the woman continued to smile,looking at the trooper until he closed his book said, "have a good day ma'am" and walked back to his cruiser.
Thats great

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Old 01-28-2012, 12:05 PM   #488
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Default The arrogance of authority

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull…

With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"

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Old 01-28-2012, 10:05 PM   #489
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.


The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves!"

She said:"My goodness, 5 loaves...By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."

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Old 01-28-2012, 10:27 PM   #490
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A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man,
opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey?
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you,
det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are
you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to
myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

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