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Old 12-22-2011, 03:45 PM   #461
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Couple going to bed and the man rips a big ole fart. Wife asks what was that. Man says 7 points. Wife cuts one and says, tied at 7. Not to be out done the man strains to fart and craps as well. Wife ask what the hell was that? Man says half time horn, change sides.
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Old 12-22-2011, 11:46 PM   #462
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I just got off the phone after talking with a friend who lives in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said snow has been falling since early this morning and it’s nearly waist high. They're expecting more snow into the night, the temperature will be dropping to below zero and the north wind will increase to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Old 12-24-2011, 05:27 AM   #463
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No eye deer.



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.
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Old 01-01-2012, 10:21 AM   #464
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How do you know your girlfriend is screaming when you have sex???...Call her and tell her.....
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Old 01-01-2012, 09:27 PM   #465
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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Old 01-01-2012, 11:29 PM   #466
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of
the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my
laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash
Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me
and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me
again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share
to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...




"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
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Old 01-09-2012, 11:27 PM   #467
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Standard Hospital pricing procedure


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your
loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the BRAIN.'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's
brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually
had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the
Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the
Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans
brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to
the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We
have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because
they're used."
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:43 PM   #468
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GHOST SEX
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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Old 01-12-2012, 10:59 PM   #469
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Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
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Old 01-25-2012, 12:21 AM   #470
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NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on she went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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