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Old 09-19-2011, 10:32 PM   #401
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Supposedly a true story, the agriculture teacher told me at school.

He (the teacher) went to a nearby farm to artificially inseminate their cows. Helping him was the farms hired hand who was an uneducated old man who had killed too many brain cells with alcohol.

They got all the cows that were supposed to be unbred into a corral, the old farm hand was running them into a chute, where my teacher was catching them in a cattle gate at the end, doing the deed and turning them loose. They had a lot of cows to get through, and not all of them were cooperating, so it was taking quite a while, they were getting tired, bored, aggravated and hungry. Nothing seemed to be going right. The cows kept fighting the whole way, some of them got out, and my teacher had been stepped on several times, and the old farm hand wasn't that great of a helper.

After fighting and cussing with all these cows they take a break for lunch. They take about 20 minutes, knock down a couple sandwiches and slug a glass of sweet tea, and decide to get back to work.

When they go back out to the corral, there are 4 cows with calves on the ground. The old farm hand looks at my teacher and says, as serious as can be, "Is it supposed to work that fast?"

Perform AI on a pregnant heifer and it can induce labor.
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:51 PM   #402
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Only in the South my friends...Only in the South .....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from the South. He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Southern deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign, Sir.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop', Says the deputy. 'License
and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, Sir, that's the
law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
The attorney gets out.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the heck out of the lawyer -- and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or
just slow down?'

God Bless the South ........


=
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Old 10-13-2011, 08:04 AM   #403
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What do u call five blondes standing in a circle?........a wind tunnel
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:29 PM   #404
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Two elderly gents decided they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager,

'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' 'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.

His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.

A witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that? 'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!
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Old 10-16-2011, 06:30 PM   #405
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Using Proper English


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion

to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, How do I stop the medicine from working? Your partner must say '1-2-3-4, he responded.
But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, 1-2-3. Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited with hot passion and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, what was the 1-2-3 for?

And that folks is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we end up with dangling participle.
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:01 AM   #406
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A young West Virginia farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their "nooner"; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office.> > "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"> > "Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:16 AM   #407
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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," Maxine replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:40 AM   #408
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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with
just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is
dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you
through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just
relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . .
Who art in Heaven. . . .."
>
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Old 10-31-2011, 05:54 PM   #409
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The joke is on me!

Last edited by Vikingdad; 10-31-2011 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:27 AM   #410
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What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common???...Somebody's gonna lose a trailer......
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