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Old 09-09-2011, 02:49 AM   #391
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Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
Touching Golf Story

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Bill asked, ‘What the heck is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Bill said ....

'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'
I love that one.
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Old 09-09-2011, 03:23 AM   #392
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer consumption contains small, trace amounts of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer each and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and could no longer drive.

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Old 09-10-2011, 11:09 PM   #393
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When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer."

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Old 09-11-2011, 01:36 AM   #394
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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police Dept. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The FBI went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The CIA went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The Chicago Police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a ****in' rabbit, I'm a ****in' rabbit!"
>

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Old 09-11-2011, 02:51 PM   #395
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The car in front of me had a bumper sticker on it. It read: “Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8.” When I got home I opened my bible to the scripture and read it and started laughing. Psalm 109:8 –“Let his days be few and brief; And let others step forward to replace him.” At last –I can voice a Biblical prayer for our president! Let us bow our heads and pray.
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Old 09-11-2011, 02:52 PM   #396
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It was announced Thursday Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts would be out indefinitely due to having neck vertebrae fusion surgery.

Doctors say this type of injury is common after 13 years of continued choking!

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Old 09-14-2011, 06:58 PM   #397
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Default The mouths of Babes.....

A 7 yr. old with the runs ask his mother for some viagra...... She tells him that is not what they give you for diareah...... But mom dad says thats what he takes when he can't get his sh$t hard......

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Old 09-16-2011, 04:01 PM   #398
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Sarah Palin likes her coffee,
like she likes her Rice,
Black and named Glen.

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Old 09-18-2011, 11:36 PM   #399
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Subject: The Pope in Alaska...

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go down to California and get another one?"

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Old 09-19-2011, 08:58 PM   #400
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
Subject: The Pope in Alaska...

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go down to California and get another one?"
Nice.

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