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Old 08-15-2011, 10:46 PM   #351
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Default eat your veggies

Whats the hardest part about eating a vegtable?

Getting her out of the wheelchair!

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Old 08-16-2011, 10:55 PM   #352
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Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, " wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

the second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"i can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "we use beer for washing our hair" the nun said. "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo."

without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

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Old 08-16-2011, 11:07 PM   #353
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'how do you stay
in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's
still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
walk, and had a little vino, and that's why he's still alive. He's
Italian, and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he
died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living? Incredible!!! how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

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Old 08-16-2011, 11:14 PM   #354
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SENIOR MOTEL MOMENT

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” .. . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

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Old 08-17-2011, 11:06 PM   #355
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A blond city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail over its stall,' she explains confidently.

Laughing rudely, he says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on!'

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Old 08-18-2011, 10:56 AM   #356
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A blond city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to her,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail over its stall,' she explains confidently.

Laughing rudely, he says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on!'
Sounds like a "revenge" of the blond joke.
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Old 08-18-2011, 01:01 PM   #357
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The navy decides they have to many officers in their ranks so they come up with a retirement plan. Officers who retire early will fecieve money based on the length from one part of their body to another. Three officers take the offer. The first one says "from the top of my head to my toes." They measure him and bam!! $60,000.00. The next guy comes in, raises his arms above his head and says "from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes." Bam! ! $70,000.00. The next guy comes in and he is a scared up mean looming chief. They as k him where he wants to be measured from and he says "from the tip of my dick to my balls." The doctors look at him as if he is crazy and they begin to measure. Soon they realize he doesn't have any balls. They ask "chief? Where are they?" The chief responds "vietnam"...

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Old 08-18-2011, 11:34 PM   #358
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a
sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled,
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:




Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

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Old 08-19-2011, 04:03 AM   #359
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a
sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and
told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled,
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
Hilarious!! Lol. Way better than my joke lol
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Old 08-19-2011, 10:16 PM   #360
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Default Duck hunting in Canada

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to
drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like
Chinamen.



The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and
the Chinese pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked

at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt,

and said,” this duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec

hunting license, boy??”



The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said “this ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba.

You got a Manitoba license??”



The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said

“this ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia

hunting license??”



Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a

Nova Scotia license.



The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Chinese

“just where the hell are you from??”



The Chinese smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing
his butt and said, ” you tell me, you are the expert.”-

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