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Old 07-19-2011, 02:37 PM   #331
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Had a good fishing joke,but it got away...........
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Old 07-19-2011, 05:25 PM   #332
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
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Old 07-19-2011, 11:46 PM   #333
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would

now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was

entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S

.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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Old 07-20-2011, 01:24 AM   #334
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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:47 PM   #335
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You are a REDNECK ...If you have chew-spit stains down the drivers side door of your pickup truck.....
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:05 PM   #336
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WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE
INTERNET?



FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be
5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white
shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for
someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURYVILLAGE- LYONS ROAD :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out
and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to
share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now
a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Old 07-28-2011, 11:44 PM   #337
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Quote:
Thank goodness!!! I was really discouraged after all the research I did that Glock was "the best"!
Joke Forum? - The Club House
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:58 PM   #338
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:02 PM   #339
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Ooops. That didn't work. Let me try again. Dang. Check out today's (Sunday, July 31st 2011) Dilbert cartoon. The official Dilbert website with Scott Adams' color comic strips, animation, mashups and more!

If anybody can figure out how to post it here please do!
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:26 PM   #340
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What do you get when you give a liberal a penny for his thoughts?

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