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Old 07-08-2011, 12:39 AM   #311
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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Old 07-08-2011, 12:42 AM   #312
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
With this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets.

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Old 07-09-2011, 03:22 AM   #313
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A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I would take half of the winnings, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies, "I won $12 today. Here's your $6, now get the hell out."

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Old 07-09-2011, 03:46 AM   #314
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She says, "I would take half of the winnings, then leave you."

"Excellent", he replies, "I won $12 today. Here's your $6, now get the hell out."
That is one of my favorite jokes.
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Old 07-09-2011, 04:31 PM   #315
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THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH...
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

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Old 07-10-2011, 05:06 AM   #316
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I am pretty sure this is recycled, but im this application it is pretty good.

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.


They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

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Old 07-11-2011, 12:10 AM   #317
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had
been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini
or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it
all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

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Old 07-11-2011, 12:11 AM   #318
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The graveside service just barely finished, when
there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by
a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there.'

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Old 07-13-2011, 02:34 AM   #319
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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

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Old 07-13-2011, 12:59 PM   #320
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Default Man Flu

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things (like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, the Thundercats and the A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

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