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Old 06-23-2011, 01:24 AM   #301
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
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Old 06-23-2011, 02:49 AM   #302
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How is sex like paintball???.....You play hard for 30 minutes,get hot and sweaty,and whan it's over,your glid your not the one who got shot in the face.............................................. .................................................. .......
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Old 06-23-2011, 03:01 AM   #303
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What's the definition of embarrassment???.....Running into a wall with a hard-on and breaking your nose first............................................. ........
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Old 06-23-2011, 02:51 PM   #304
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked his Mommy can little girls have babies??..Not until they grow-up his Mother said....Little Johnny then ran back out side and told the neighbor girl...It's okay,we can play that game again
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Old 06-24-2011, 09:18 PM   #305
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A young monk arrives at the monastery
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a
small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years,
but hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

'We missed theR!

We missed the R!

We missed the R!'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,


'The word was...

CELEBRATE!
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:36 PM   #306
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Speaking of monk jokes...
A twentysomething man's life wasn't going as he'd planned. He'd experienced relationship problems, carreer problems, he decided to retreat from the world and become a monk. He went to a monastary to sign up, the Monk In Chief said "All right, but this is a silent order. No talking is allowed. In 10 years we'll meet and you will be allowed two words to express your experience here." The young man agreed, was issued a robe and went about his duties.
Ten years later he was summoned to the office and asked to give his two word comment. He said "Hard beds".
"Well yes", agreed his superior, "our beds are rather firm. We find a certain amount of physical discomfort here helps focus our minds on the glories of Heaven where we shall rest on the very clouds." The now 30something monk silently returned to his duties.
In another 10 years he was once again summoned to the affice and asked for his two word comment. "Cold food", he said.
"Well yes", agreed his superior, "our food is not always piping hot or of the best quality, but we find that helps focus on the glories of Heaven to come where we will dine on ambrosia and nectar." The no-longer-so young man returned to his silent duties.
After 10 more years the now 50-something monk was once again summoned to the office by his now elderly superior for his two word comment. "I quit" he said.
"Well you just as well", snapped the old man," You haven't done nothing but bitch since you got here!"
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Old 06-26-2011, 03:10 PM   #307
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They don't fight fair guys!

9 SAYINGS WOMEN USE:

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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Old 07-04-2011, 09:47 PM   #308
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Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, & then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands & what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face & she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, & a preacher when in her 60's, & now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, & asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Old 07-05-2011, 02:55 AM   #309
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If honeybees make honey what makes milk?

BOOBEES!
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Old 07-06-2011, 02:24 AM   #310
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A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and waits for him to come into the exam room.

Ths doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her, she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments. "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"
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