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Old 06-19-2011, 05:55 PM   #291
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A man is recovering from surgery when the
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is
feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the
doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
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Old 06-19-2011, 06:12 PM   #292
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Saw this on another forum today and had to laugh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps!
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Old 06-19-2011, 06:56 PM   #293
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.................
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:26 AM   #294
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A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office..
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:29 AM   #295
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Default One liners on the economy

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:45 AM   #296
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CourtJester View Post
Saw this on another forum today and had to laugh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps!
Quoted for ever lovin' truth.
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Glass has now achieved "Goddess Status" in my mind. I'm not worthy.....
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Old 06-21-2011, 03:20 AM   #297
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
As I was reading those, I kept hearing Andrew "Dice" Clay saying "Whoa" after each one ! LOL
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:35 PM   #298
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My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:53 PM   #299
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Default From Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:28 PM   #300
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Man, I can hear Rodney Dangerfield rattling those off.
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