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Old 06-07-2011, 10:16 PM   #281
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
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Old 06-10-2011, 12:55 AM   #282
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A Cowboy walked into a drug store in Waco, Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying ........ "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said "Just a minute… I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said…

"We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

· One-third ownership in the store

· A company pickup truck

· Two home cooked dinners a week

· And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:01 PM   #283
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An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight.
When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
"Not a f'n thing!"
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Old 06-11-2011, 02:40 PM   #284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganwolf View Post
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner
for a faulty taillight.
When the officer approached the driver, the man
behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and
a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr..
Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a
.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range
and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the
driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.
May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,
"Not a f'n thing!"
That's only a joke if you live north of Tucson. Otherwise, it's just a police activity report.
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Old 06-12-2011, 02:33 AM   #285
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Joke Forum? - The Club House
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:36 PM   #286
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There is an annual contest at Duke University for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.


This year's term was, "Political Correctness".


The winner wrote:


"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end."
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Old 06-14-2011, 11:40 PM   #287
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How do you cook toilet paper??...YOU BROWN IT ON ONE SIDE AND THROW IT IN THE POT.......
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Old 06-15-2011, 12:08 AM   #288
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NEW BOSS

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said… "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:43 PM   #289
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A rancher from Kansas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the rancher is from Bob Dole's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The rancher says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the rancher replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the rancher replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the rancher, in his best Kansas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:13 PM   #290
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A doctor examining a woman who had been
rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all.'

'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids.'
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