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Old 05-30-2011, 04:38 AM   #271
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Drink Orders...


A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 05-30-2011, 06:00 AM   #272
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paganwolf View Post
Drink Orders...


A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
HAHAHA!!!!!!!Outstanding!!
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:01 PM   #273
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...................
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Old 05-31-2011, 01:40 AM   #274
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Default The blonde who married a catholic

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I' ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
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Old 05-31-2011, 01:46 AM   #275
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Default Shop Italian

Facts about The killing of Osama Bin Laden:

1) Fugitive for 19 years. Hunted by Saudi Arabia , Interpol, Scotland Yard, Mossad, and the CIA.



2) CIA was looking for him for last 14 years. Found him twice and lost him twice. Cost $1.8 Billion

3) CIA had 4 directors over this time period, 1997- 2011. All failed to capture Bin Laden.


4) Obama appoints Leon Panetta son of Italian immigrants as new CIA director April 28th, 2011



5) Mr. Panetta calls in a few favors from friends in New York , New Jersey and Las Vegas on April 29th 2011.



6) They plan a raid over some espresso and cannolis April 30th, 2011. Decide to dress as Navy Seals.

Bin Laden is killed (not captured or held for trial) and the body is dumped at sea May 1, 2011.


7) (also known as “swimming with the fishes” in Italian folklore)


8) Job done in less then 100 hours: Reward $25,000,000

9) Estimated savings of not having a trial $200,000,000.

10) Shop Italian

Taking care of business!!
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:33 PM   #276
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Default Home Cures

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real! =)


AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


THOUGHT for the day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS


SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:44 PM   #277
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There was a small church in North Carolina that had a very big-busted
Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled! They said something had
to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her
breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat
any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make
your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a
while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

' Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
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Old 06-05-2011, 11:05 PM   #278
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What do you call that worthless flesh that surrounds a vagina..............a woman

How many Ethiopians can you fit into a phone booth.....................all of them

How do you circumcise a redneck..................kick his sister in the jaw
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Old 06-06-2011, 10:43 AM   #279
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Feeling unwanted?



Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .READ ON!!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his ipod.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?
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Old 06-06-2011, 11:28 PM   #280
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Default The hotel bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of Chicago's most exclusive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Los Angeles, and Las Vegas performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made

out for $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
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