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Old 05-25-2011, 07:19 PM   #251
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How do you spot Dolly Parton's kids on the playground???...They're the ones with the stretch marks around their mouths.....

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Old 05-26-2011, 02:15 AM   #252
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Here's a little camping tip....If your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it is so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open it is not necessarily an invitation for casual sex...Wish me luck..I appear in court next Monday.......

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Old 05-26-2011, 02:49 AM   #253
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Advice for an Old Guy

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"

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Old 05-26-2011, 02:56 AM   #254
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A news reporter was walking down the street and sees a wrinkley old man sitting in his rocking chair on the porch, grinning contentedly and swinging back and forth.
'Here's a heartwarming story' he thinks to himself, and walks up to the man.
"What's your secret to being so happy?" he asks the man
"Well", says the guy "I drink a bottle of whiskey every day, smoke a full packet of cigarettes, sleep with as many women as possible and only get 4 hours of sleep per night".
"Whoa!" says the reporter, "How old are you?!"



"28"

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Old 05-26-2011, 03:23 AM   #255
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rapture, the real story






Remember, it's in the joke thread - if it offends you, quit taking everything so Effin' seriously!
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:14 PM   #256
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Over the past several years,more money has been spent on breast implants and viagra than has been spent on Alzheimer's research. Scientist predict that by 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with big tits and erections that can't remember what to do with them........

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Old 05-27-2011, 03:19 PM   #257
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:56 PM   #258
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Default Shortest joke ever...

Two women were sitting quietly together,minding their own Business.....

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Old 05-28-2011, 10:47 PM   #259
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees
a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud,
'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch,
without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal,
he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about
your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife
greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees,
and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

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Old 05-28-2011, 10:52 PM   #260
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Great analogy

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Congress OPERATES...... and this is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

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