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Old 05-14-2011, 12:58 PM   #241
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Osama Bin Laden has met up with the first of his 72 virgins that had been promised to him.

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Old 05-16-2011, 05:02 AM   #242
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After 29 years of marriage Fred remarks to Ethel, "Ya know, things just aren't as sparky in the bedroom as they used to be."
Ethel says, "That's true. what shall we do about it?"
Fred says "Well, I was thinking about a threesome..."
Ethel says, "I could maybe get into that, who were you thinking of?"
Fred answers, "Carol down at the coffee shop and her twin sister".

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Old 05-16-2011, 06:12 AM   #243
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freefall View Post
After 29 years of marriage Fred remarks to Ethel, "Ya know, things just aren't as sparky in the bedroom as they used to be."
Ethel says, "That's true. what shall we do about it?"
Fred says "Well, I was thinking about a threesome..."
Ethel says, "I could maybe get into that, who were you thinking of?"
Fred answers, "Carol down at the coffee shop and her twin sister".
That's good. Nice.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:18 AM   #244
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freefall View Post
After 29 years of marriage Fred remarks to Ethel, "Ya know, things just aren't as sparky in the bedroom as they used to be."
Ethel says, "That's true. what shall we do about it?"
Fred says "Well, I was thinking about a threesome..."
Ethel says, "I could maybe get into that, who were you thinking of?"
Fred answers, "Carol down at the coffee shop and her twin sister".
After 29 years of marriage Fred remarks to Ethel, "Ya know, things just aren't as sparky in the bedroom as they used to be."
Ethel says, "That's true. what shall we do about it?"
Fred says "Well, I was thinking about doing it back-to-back..."
Ethel says, "I could maybe get into that, how do we do that?"
Fred answers, "Well, I've invited the neighbours".
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:28 AM   #245
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Default Tactfulness

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of beer. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook's widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab?"

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Old 05-16-2011, 06:30 AM   #246
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Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate, no nothing. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
Bruce shrugged and replied, "I dunno, I guess she choked."

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Old 05-17-2011, 01:53 AM   #247
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A pirate walked into a Pub, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"Well, it was my first day with the hook, jackass."

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Old 05-18-2011, 09:37 AM   #248
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Turn your phone upside down...370HSSV 0773H

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Old 05-18-2011, 09:47 AM   #249
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Default You Might be a Redneck if...

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...You think the stock market has a fence around it....Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat....Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".....

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Old 05-20-2011, 02:06 AM   #250
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat,' agreed to look after
and house her neighbor's male dog while he was away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart
...
but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard an awful howling and
moaning sound. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Once she explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone
and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to
withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

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