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Old 04-25-2011, 08:10 AM   #221
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Default God on Israel

And on the sixth day the Lord turned to the angel Gabriel and said,
"On this day, I shall create a magic land. It shall be called "Israel." It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known the world over. I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction. So the land shall prosper. I shall call these inhabitants ... Jews"
"Pardon me, Lord," asked Gabriel, "but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really. Just wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them."

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Old 04-28-2011, 06:00 PM   #222
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What do you call a deer with no eyes??...No idear....

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Old 04-29-2011, 06:44 PM   #223
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What's the difference between Dick Cheney & Sarah Palin??...When Sara Palin shoots a Lawyer,he stays down.....

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Old 04-29-2011, 07:39 PM   #224
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What's the difference between Dick Cheney & Sarah Palin??...When Sara Palin shoots a Lawyer,he stays down.....
Nice!! That is outstanding!
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Old 04-30-2011, 02:40 AM   #225
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JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced

across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold glass of wine?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of wine. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

=

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Old 04-30-2011, 02:50 AM   #226
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Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced

across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold glass of wine?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of wine. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

=
Effing outstanding!
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Old 04-30-2011, 12:19 PM   #227
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Default A cow from Kansas

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in
Kansas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased
and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches
her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Kansas ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Kansas?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Kansas "

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Old 05-01-2011, 02:22 PM   #228
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Default Gender Poems

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.






A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

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Old 05-02-2011, 06:37 AM   #229
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Default You're probably a REDNECK IF....

You're probably a REDNECK IF....You're kids go hungry tonight becouse you just had to have those Yosemite Sam muddflaps.....Someone in your family says cum'n heer an lookit this afore I flush it..... You've made change in the offering plate......

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Old 05-02-2011, 01:18 PM   #230
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Default Communication

A wife says to her husband, "Could you please go to the store
for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

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