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Old 04-13-2011, 12:59 AM   #211
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Adolph Hitler was obsessed with astrology. When he heard that an old gypsy woman claimed that she could foretell the date of a person's death, he ordered the astrologer brought to him. He demanded that she reveal to him the exact date of his death.

She dealt through her Tarot cards, cast bones, dropped yarrow sticks, gazed into a crystal ball, and finally, shook her head. "I cannot make out the exact date- the signs are murky. I can only say that you will die on a holiday. A JEWISH holiday."

"What!?!?", shrieked Hitler, "What is the EXACT DAY? I MUST KNOW! WHICH HOLIDAY?"

She shrugged, and said. "Why would that matter? ANY day you die will be a Jewish holiday!"

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Old 04-13-2011, 01:00 AM   #212
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RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.

EXAMPLES
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS :

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....

YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRY TALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE ?

A NORTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS...........

'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS ****...

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Old 04-15-2011, 10:35 AM   #213
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Default Ranchers vs the Sierra Club

You just gotta love Ranchers.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.
The males would then be castrated and let loose again.
This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said;
"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order. . ..

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Old 04-16-2011, 09:51 PM   #214
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Default How to prove that dogs are mans best friend??

Lock your Girlfriend and your dog in the trunk of your car...Drive around for a while...Open the trunk and see which one is glad to see you!!!.....

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Old 04-18-2011, 12:01 AM   #215
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Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100". The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?". One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".

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Old 04-19-2011, 09:51 PM   #216
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How do you change a Blondes mind???...Buy her another beer...

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Old 04-19-2011, 10:09 PM   #217
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Which loves you more your dog or your wife.To find out lock both in your car trunk and leave them for 2 hours now which is more happy to see you

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Old 04-21-2011, 03:01 PM   #218
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Hillbilly Knowhow...Yoga....

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Old 04-21-2011, 04:51 PM   #219
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An Engineer died and was sent to Hell. Within a few days he was bored and started building all kinds of nice things. By the end of the month, they had air conditioning, running water, escalators and mass transit. God called up Satin and asked where he got all the wonderful things and Satin replied, "Well we got an Engineer a few months ago and he designed and built all of these things." God said that there apparently had been a mistake and surely someone as wonderful a human being as this Engineer should have been sent to Heaven. Satin replied, "No, I won't let him go". God said, "I'll Sue to have him moved to Heaven"!!

Satin laughed and said, "And, where are you going to find a Lawyer?"

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Old 04-22-2011, 01:53 AM   #220
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Called my friend in Buffalo yesterday..He told me their in the middle of a huge snow storm...His wife has done nothing but stare through the window...He said if it gets any worse he'll have to let her in.....

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