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Old 04-03-2011, 03:36 AM   #201
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Default Why we shoot deer in the wild.

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms,
writes well and actually tried this).

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it
up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first
step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they
congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff
at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet
away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a
bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it
home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up--
3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end
of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around
my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope ..., and
then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that,
while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope
it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for
pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt
in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some
dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and
pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to
it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the
ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly
as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that
they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my
taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there
was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated
the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were
in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I
managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder a
little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I
got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer
would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when .. I reached up there
to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a
deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just
bite you and slide off to then let go.

A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They
bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but
it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer
(though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I
kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up
with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and
you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud
noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will
usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery
would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different
strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The
reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you
in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses
after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because
the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head
and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So
now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God....

An Educated Farmer

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Old 04-03-2011, 08:23 PM   #202
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Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.

The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!

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Old 04-05-2011, 01:00 AM   #203
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Default Do you dance?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas , leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When hi <<image001.jpg>> s last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's Ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

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Old 04-05-2011, 01:18 PM   #204
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What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?













Elephino.

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Old 04-08-2011, 04:39 AM   #205
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy
Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have
her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Old 04-09-2011, 03:47 PM   #206
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Default My dog

It just hit me!!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. Once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me l ike a brick in the head...



My dog is a Democrat !!!

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Old 04-10-2011, 01:20 AM   #207
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My 3 YO daughters favorite...

Q: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
A: ARRRRR

You think its the "R" but its really the "C"

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Old 04-11-2011, 10:36 PM   #208
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A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store, A company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

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Old 04-11-2011, 11:36 PM   #209
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How do you make a bullfrog fly?

Pop it with a .22

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Old 04-13-2011, 12:49 AM   #210
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A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a
game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away
from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there
papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then when I whistle, they swim right
back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do
this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as
some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.

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