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Old 03-16-2011, 02:07 PM   #171
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I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" ... I was waiting for something profound...


He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."


I almost snorted my iced tea...
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Old 03-16-2011, 03:10 PM   #172
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Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

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Old 03-17-2011, 06:02 AM   #173
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick .. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.
That Makes everything better and I go to work...you try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon...You got nice house'.

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Old 03-17-2011, 06:18 AM   #174
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SEX AFTER DEATH?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Sue..........Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"


"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

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Old 03-17-2011, 06:21 AM   #175
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Referring to Prince William's bachelor party:

"It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's g-string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

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Old 03-17-2011, 06:26 AM   #176
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Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Old 03-24-2011, 06:02 PM   #177
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A man asked an American indian what was his wifes name???...He replied "she called five horses"....What does that mean???...NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG.....

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Old 03-24-2011, 06:21 PM   #178
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LONGHAIR View Post
A man asked an American indian what was his wifes name???...He replied "she called five horses"....What does that mean???...NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG,NAG.....
Haha. I call my wife "3 Horses". Nag, nag, nag.
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:28 AM   #179
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Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup???...Anybody can roast beef.....

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Old 03-25-2011, 11:20 AM   #180
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Default Thank you Mr. Obama

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT........

.... I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

.... wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.

.... CEO's and Drs. are now playing miniature golf.

.... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

.... I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

.... I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

.... Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

.... Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

.... A picture is now only worth 200 words.

....They renamed Wall Street to Wal-Mart Street


.... When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.


....The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally

....I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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