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Old 07-03-2014, 07:45 PM   #1701
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Old 07-03-2014, 08:24 PM   #1702
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After many years of putting up with her husband's snoring, a woman reads an article in Cosmo titled, How to Stop Your Husband's Snoring, Guaranteed.

In the article, the author relates how tying a blue ribbon around the snorer's scrotum will halt snoring immediately.

That night her husband returns home late after several hours of drinking with his friends. After he walks the dog, he retires to bed and begins to saw lumber like a Stihl chainsaw.

The woman awakens to the snoring and goes to her dressing room, retrieves a blue hair ribbon and ties it around the man's scrotum. Magically, he stops snoring and is silent for the rest of the night.

Now all she can hear is the dog snoring, so she goes to get another hair ribbon but all she has is a red ribbon. She thinks to herself that the color of the ribbon cannot be that important, so she ties the red hair ribbon around the dog's scrotum and it is magically quieted for the night.

When the man wakes in the morning he looks down to see a blue ribbon tied around his scrotum and a red ribbon tied around the dog's scrotum.

He exclaims, "Fido, I don't know where the hell we ended up on our walk last night, but apparently we won 1st and 2nd place!"

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Old 07-06-2014, 03:21 PM   #1703
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A little Chicago humor!!

I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago.


People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley
Field.

Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley
Field? Aren't you the guys who sent a horse's ass to the White House?"

I almost ran off the road!
=

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Old 07-06-2014, 04:07 PM   #1704
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What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today and, after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what?'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

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Old 07-06-2014, 04:11 PM   #1705
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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage:

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25thanniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50thanniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

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Old 07-10-2014, 12:27 AM   #1706
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..




That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.





The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."






The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.






The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!

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Old 07-10-2014, 06:57 PM   #1707
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JTJ View Post
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..




That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.





The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?




The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.





The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."






The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.




The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.




Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.






The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...







...silver, topaz, and amethyst.



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.





The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!
I know what it was. There is a scribe behind that door who has been reviewing ancient monastic texts for accuracy. He sleeps by day and works by night. Every evening he wakes and begins his nightly ritual of lamenting..'' The word is CELEBRATE!!!!
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Old 07-10-2014, 08:08 PM   #1708
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The female praying mantis kills and devours the with-in minutes of mating !
The common marriage , the spends a life time doing the same !

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Old 07-11-2014, 07:21 PM   #1709
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SO the old lady has had about enough of her old man coming to bed EVERYNIGHT and farting and farting and farting , every nihgt she nags him saying one of these days your going to fart your guts out .
Then one day while cooking a chicken the idea hits her , I will hide these chicken guts under his blanket tonight and really get him good .
So night time rolls around and the same ol thing , he comes to bed , lays down and starts farting away , barley able to hold her laughter she goes to the bathroom for a minute .
While in there she hears him making a small commotion out in the room , when she comes out she sees a very strange look on his face and ask him , Honey whats wrong ?
Sugar , I know you done told me a 100 times I was gonna fart my guts out , well you wuz right , I done sat here and farted my guts out but with Gods help and these 2 fingers I got'em back in .

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Old 07-14-2014, 08:21 PM   #1710
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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any drugstore"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local Walgreen's and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

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