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Old 05-27-2014, 01:27 PM   #1691
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Some friends at the nascar race the other night had the cops stop someone in front of their camp site , being drunk and cops too they busted out the cops theme song and cranked it on up .
They said the cop was laughing his azz off and let the guy go .

Gotta try playing that next time I get pulled
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Old 06-04-2014, 04:31 PM   #1692
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EDIT BY MOD-

Not appropriate for Clubhouse.

Last edited by c3shooter; 06-05-2014 at 02:26 PM.
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Old 06-08-2014, 12:35 AM   #1693
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Tree drunks get into a cab and say , " The next bar please (burp) ,
The taxi driver turns on the engine , let's it run a minute then shuts it of , " you are here" .

The first drunk gives a five and gets out .

The second drunk gives the cabby a ten spot and gets out .

The third drunk turns to the cabby , slaps him up side the head .

The cabby thinking he knew what he had done . And says why did you slap me ?

The drunk looks at him and says ," Slow down damit , you almost killed us !
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Old 06-10-2014, 06:51 PM   #1694
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A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, how may we help you today? ” Very uncomfortably, she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?

“He answers, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna **** in your pants when you hear what the price is.”
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Old 06-12-2014, 10:14 PM   #1695
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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,

"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Daddy" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
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Old 06-12-2014, 10:42 PM   #1696
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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called, Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull, he wins."
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Old 06-16-2014, 09:40 PM   #1697
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The "CODE" Men Live By

Thou shall not rent "Chocolat."

Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
********. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits FOREVER!

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your
pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission;
and he, in return, is required to grant it.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick
a buffalo wing clean.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

You girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal pals' significant d****-heads; low-level sports bonding is all
the law requires.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask
who's playing.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

(Gas Warfare Act) you may fart in front of a woman only after
you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the
covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think "What this guy needs is a good ***
-whuppin," then you may sit back and enjoy.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice *** , are you
a Sagittarius?"

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
is all the conversation you need.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you
in the eye, and deliver a "F__K OFF," you are absolved of your of
responsibility.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.

In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
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Old 06-17-2014, 04:43 AM   #1698
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Balota View Post
I'm convinced there are only about 5000 words in German. For everything else they just say the whole definition of the idea with no spaces in between.
ToHeckWithThisImOuttaHeren!

It's to protect them from being accused of slurring their words. Nein ich bin berauscht nicht.
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Old 06-19-2014, 09:07 PM   #1699
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Senior trying to set a password



WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiled cabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Old 06-24-2014, 07:46 PM   #1700
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Chinese Sex.............

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis..!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”
“Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
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