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Old 05-01-2014, 11:15 PM   #1671
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Wish I knew german , I actually like it , wife HATES IT

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Old 05-01-2014, 11:23 PM   #1672
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I like German beer. That's good enough for me.

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"Then tell me this: Why would you want to hang around people that get uncomfortable, or even scared, about that kind of thing?" "Maybe to feel normal," I said. He laughed. "Normal's not all it's cracked up to be." "You think?" "Hell, I know." - from Spirits In The Wires, by Charles de Lint.

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Old 05-02-2014, 07:40 PM   #1673
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Old man fishing one morning in the same spot he has for years gets stopped by the ranger .
Ranger : morning sir , mind if I see your catch ?
man : no go ahead
Ranger : Sir , think we have a problem , these fish are too small
man : Mr ranger , I come here everyday and see the same fish and believe it or not , they come up to the boat and want to get in with me , If I put them back in they come right back , I can prove it to you
Ranger : Sounds far fetched but I gotta see this
So the old man puts the fish back in the lake and about 5 minutes later
Ranger : Sir , I dont see your fish , are they coming back soon ?
Old man : What fish ?
ROLMFAO

Cant wait to try that one

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“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

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Old 05-07-2014, 03:41 AM   #1674
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MY WORST NIGHTMARE EVER

I posted a joke and then had second thoughts and can't figure out how to delete it on my tablet so I just edited it out.

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Old 05-07-2014, 04:40 AM   #1675
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The last design I was asked to review....

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Old 05-09-2014, 10:36 PM   #1676
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YOU KNOW YOUR CLIENT BETTER THAN I DO
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

The Lawyer questions, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"And what does the "AH" stand for, Officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

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Old 05-13-2014, 01:01 AM   #1677
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
She gave them all some lifesavers candy

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
Yelled, 'Oh my Gosh ! They're A**holes!

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Old 05-13-2014, 01:40 PM   #1678
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

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Old 05-13-2014, 10:45 PM   #1679
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Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

l

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!



Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.



Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today



God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.


A man goes into the chemist and asks for some viagra. ’Have you got a prescription,’ the chemist asks him. ’No, but will a picture of my wife do?’ the man says



Why is Viagra now being compared to Disneyland? They're both one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

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“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

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Old 05-21-2014, 05:07 PM   #1680
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Man begging for his life told the gunman
Please dont kill me , I'm not married , my life is perfect

ROLMFAO

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