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Old 04-10-2014, 12:10 PM   #1651
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I don't remember if I told this one before so here goes...........

Their was this rancher that is at his neighbors telling him that he thought he had an impotent bull.
Now in his words.
I had this bull that I thought was impotent so I call the vet to come out and take a look at him. He came out and checked him up and down, and then says..... Yep, he's impotent. He then ask me if I have a pen I can keep him in for a couple of weeks, and I say yes, out behind the barn. He says, Great! Take this powder and give him a tablespoon of it with his feed each day for 2 weeks and then you can turn him loose.
The 2 weeks ended yesterday, so I set him loose, and he went out and serviced all the heifer's. His neighbor says... Wow whats the name of that stuff? The rancher says, I'm not sure but it kind of taste like peppermint!

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Old 04-11-2014, 12:32 AM   #1652
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Old 04-11-2014, 11:50 AM   #1653
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As much as I wanted to post these where someone might think the libs are read and writing them...as the mentallity sounds about the same.


Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
J u venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be onto something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft


That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

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Old 04-11-2014, 01:56 PM   #1654
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One of my favorite story headlines was "Study finds Teen Pregnancies decline after age 20"


duh

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Old 04-11-2014, 02:26 PM   #1655
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c3shooter View Post
One of my favorite story headlines was "Study finds Teen Pregnancies decline after age 20"


duh
Seems logical, doesn't it?
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Old 04-14-2014, 04:02 PM   #1656
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My pockets use to jingle when I was single
A very very ugly woman is called a buffarilla , part buffalo part gorilla , most are large so dont let them hear you say that .

Grandpa use to call mini vans Who*e wagons
Most of the things our grandads said can not ever be repeated here

A top democrat , republican and boy scout were all flying in a plane when it started to go down . The pilots grabbed their chutes and bailed , the democrat said '' I am too important to die and my people need me , I must live '' so the democrat jumps out .
With only 1 chute left the republican said '' son go ahead , I have lived a long and wonderful life , you have many many years ahead of you ''
Boy scout said '' oh dont worry mister , the smartest democrat in the world just jumped out with my book bag ''

D.U.F Designated Ugly Friend
A DUF is essential in a group of friends out looking score . When group encounters another group of the opp sex that has the one that no one wants to take home AKA the grenade , the DUF must throw themselves on the GRENADE to save the night .

Logic , 5 guys at a bar spot a group of 5 girls , 4 of which are average looking , 1 is a hammer .
If all 5 guys go after the one hammer is will piss off the other 4 and most likely none of the guys will take any of them home .
But , if all 5 pick their own girl then the nookie chances sky rocket .
Actually works

Being a menace : Take all the plates off all the cars in your cul-de-sac , mix them all up and put them back on the cars and see how many years it takes before everyone realizes whats going on , same works for mail yard decorations or furniture or if you really want to screw with them swap their small trees or plants . Pulling the A/C service breaker on a August night would be very mean . All are HIGHLY ILLEGAL AND NOT RECOMMENDED but still funny to think about .

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Old 04-14-2014, 04:22 PM   #1657
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Guy comes home from work to find his wife packing a bag. He askes her "what are you doing"? She replies "I'm moving Las vegas, I hear I can get $400 for what I give you for nothing". The man goes upstairs and starts packing a bag also. His wife comes up and asks what he thinks he is doing. His reply: "I'm moving to Las vegas too, I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year".

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Old 04-19-2014, 03:39 PM   #1658
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Here's a funny video:

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Old 04-29-2014, 08:41 PM   #1659
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This is sort of a joke. It was an actual conversation between my oldest son and I several years ago.

I like trying to attract different birds to my yard by using different styles of feeders and different kinds of seed mixes. I wanted to attract some migrating Northern (Baltimore) Orioles. What might get them to stop in one's yard is to set out orange halves, grape jelly and/or nectar/sugar solution.

So, I said to my son, "I wonder what I could do to attract a Baltimore Oriole to my yard. My son answered, "An agent with a good contract in his hand standing in your front yard might get a Baltimore Oriole or two to stop by."

It took me a minute to figure out what the heck he meant.

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Old 04-29-2014, 08:42 PM   #1660
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Quote:
Originally Posted by winds-of-change View Post
this is sort of a joke. It was an actual conversation between my oldest son and i several years ago.

I like trying to attract different birds to my yard by using different styles of feeders and different kinds of seed mixes. I wanted to attract some migrating northern (baltimore) orioles. What might get them to stop in one's yard is to set out orange halves, grape jelly and/or nectar/sugar solution.

So, i said to my son, "i wonder what i could do to attract a baltimore oriole to my yard. My son answered, "an agent with a good contract in his hand standing in your front yard might get a baltimore oriole or two to stop by." :d

it took me a minute to figure out what the heck he meant.
lol!!! :d
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