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Old 03-15-2014, 02:07 AM   #1621
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I was once called a racist.
I responded that I was not a racist-I have black tires and a colored television set,so how am I racist!
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Old 03-17-2014, 03:26 PM   #1622
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In honor of St. Patricks Day!

1. Paddy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what Paddy had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."

2. An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost allme luggage!"
"How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

3. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper
says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

4. Paddy and Shaun were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the
brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the
brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth
goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

5. Two Irishmen, Patrick &Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's
provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a
genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he
could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
Guinness!
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash. Immediately the entire
sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the
genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a
long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going
to have to pee in the boat."

6. Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

7. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally
said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on
his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the
four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on
his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
makes you say that?""The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
again."
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Old 03-18-2014, 12:20 PM   #1623
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Subject: Just a little more St. Paddy's Day Humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife... 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
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Old 03-26-2014, 12:50 AM   #1624
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Sometimes....when you cry.... 

no one sees your tears. 



Sometimes....when you are in pain.... 

no one sees your hurt. 



Sometimes....when you are worried.... 

no one sees your stress. 



Sometimes....when you are happy.... 

no one sees your smile.






But FART!! just ONE friggin' time..... 

And everybody notices!!
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Old 03-26-2014, 01:01 AM   #1625
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Man who farts in church sits in own pew!

Man who drops watch in toilet have ****ty time.

Man who stands on toilet high on pot.
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Old 03-26-2014, 09:33 PM   #1626
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Confucius say, "Woman who fly upside down in airplane have crack up".
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Old 03-26-2014, 10:26 PM   #1627
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Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted
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Old 03-26-2014, 11:12 PM   #1628
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Confusius say, "Man who go to bed with itchy arse, wake up with smelly finger."

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Old 03-26-2014, 11:44 PM   #1629
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for the money!
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Old 03-26-2014, 11:45 PM   #1630
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Man who run in front of car get tired!
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