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Old 03-04-2014, 11:26 AM   #1611
Mommy, who lights the sun?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by danf_fl View Post
The Creativity of the average retired Navy Chief



Early one morning, an elderly retired Navy Chief yelled to his wife..."Honey...! Come see what I created...! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.
Wish we could do that with his presidency.

Edit: Oops, my bad. That was not a joke.

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Old 03-04-2014, 07:57 PM   #1612
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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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Old 03-05-2014, 08:27 PM   #1613
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Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain,Jack, being a Newfie would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbors were Catholic
and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating
meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was
causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic., After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass,and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:"You
were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic. Jack's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the
neighbors,and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood
Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over
the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a
moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a
codfish."

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Old 03-06-2014, 10:49 PM   #1614
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Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C, an aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views such as abortion, her attempts to void the 2nd Amendment - the right of people to defend themselves against violent criminals, and
others.

Pelosi's aide then said: "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $50,000 to your church if you'll just mention to the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.

Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations, both In Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint.

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Old 03-11-2014, 06:46 PM   #1615
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Old 03-11-2014, 10:06 PM   #1616
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What's the difference between Hollywood and government?

Hollywood has only three Stooges.


"the only stupid Question is Question not asked"-Albert Einstein

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Old 03-12-2014, 12:05 AM   #1617
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"Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff."

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Old 03-12-2014, 07:25 PM   #1618
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Riddle:
Why is it that ladies who've had Botox beauty "enhancement" never drive nor ride in convertibles with the top down?
Answer:
Because they'd be battered severely about the head and shoulders by their lips flapping in the breeze.

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Old 03-12-2014, 09:17 PM   #1619
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A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks
at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with
dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles
o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks
out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a
fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.
He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig
are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'm
a doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you
that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I
could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."

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Last edited by Rocky7; 03-12-2014 at 09:21 PM.
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Old 03-15-2014, 01:46 AM   #1620
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A father and son shark came across a few survivors from large boat that sank. The son said to the father "lets go eat them." The father replied not yet, lets circle them and show them our fins first. So they did and the father said "let's circle the boat one more time and show them all our fins." So they did and they are the survivors. The son asked the father "why do we do all the circling and fin showing"? The father answered. "They taste so much better with the crap out of them"!


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