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Old 02-19-2014, 04:03 PM   #1601
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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

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Old 02-22-2014, 01:50 AM   #1602
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Threetango View Post
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
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Old 02-22-2014, 12:37 PM   #1603
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A Priest, Rabbi, and a Ga. hillbilly were all standing at St. Peter's gates waiting to enter Heaven, St. Peter cam out and told them they all had to go to Hell for a while, the new condo's were not done, when they were completed, they would al be back to stay in Glory. In an instant, they were standing before Old Scratch and he asked them what were they doing in his domain, they told him what St. Peter had said and he countered,, give me a hundred bucks and you'll be back in Heaven, the Priest whipped out his wallet, paid Lucifer and was immediatedly back at the Pearly Gates to the wonderment of St. Peter.
What are you doing back here so soon,, the Priest related the words of Old Scratch and St. Pete told him that by chance one condo has just opened up and the Priest went into Heaven. St. Peter asked what the Rabbi and Hillbilly were doing when he left,,, well said the Priest,, the Rabbi had Satan down to 75 bucks and the Hillbilly was looking for a co-signer on a loan.

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Old 02-22-2014, 11:38 PM   #1604
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
Passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history............!!!!

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Old 02-27-2014, 10:40 PM   #1605
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Who says Anson County bikers aren't compassionate, tolerant, and understanding?
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge .

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive", George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed.

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Old 03-02-2014, 08:21 PM   #1606
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

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Old 03-03-2014, 10:41 PM   #1607
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It pays to be safe.

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Old 03-04-2014, 12:29 AM   #1608
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One for the ladies- Diamond Lil-

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Old 03-04-2014, 01:24 AM   #1609
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Condoms are not safe anymore, I have a friend that was shot and died wearing one last week!

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Old 03-04-2014, 02:43 AM   #1610
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The Creativity of the average retired Navy Chief



Early one morning, an elderly retired Navy Chief yelled to his wife..."Honey...! Come see what I created...! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast.

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