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Old 02-05-2014, 09:25 PM   #1591
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I know Chris Cristy wasn't involved in that bridge scandal . If he had been there, the bridge would have collapsed .

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Old 02-06-2014, 02:04 PM   #1592
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As a woman sat down at her seat on the 50 yard line for the Super Bow

A man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No" she said"the seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl

The biggest sporting event in the world And not use it?"

Somberly the woman says"Well... The seat belongs to my husband he and I were to come here together but he passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in '57."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head"No they're all at the funeral."

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Old 02-06-2014, 05:45 PM   #1593
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:27 PM   #1594
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Old 02-06-2014, 11:01 PM   #1595
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Fixed this one.

74. Support Our Troops. W'ell Need Them To Restore Our Government

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Old 02-06-2014, 11:51 PM   #1596
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
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3 Black Men
*
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and*wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely*confused.
*
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked,*sitting on a bench.*Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in*the middle had a pink penis. *The curator of the gallery realized that they were*having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his*personal assessment. *He went on for over half an hour explaining how it*depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a*predominately white, patriarchal society. *'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious*critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the*cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men*in contemporary society'.
*
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the*couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the*painting is really*about?'*
*
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert*than the curator of the gallery,' asked the couple?
*
'Because I am the artist, who painted the*picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African*Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal*miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

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Old 02-10-2014, 11:24 PM   #1597
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Sometimes blonds win.

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

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Old 02-10-2014, 11:28 PM   #1598
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A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people

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Old 02-13-2014, 02:52 AM   #1599
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Old 02-18-2014, 07:23 PM   #1600
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A zombie invaded congress looking for brains to eat. He starved to death.

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