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Old 02-24-2011, 12:29 AM   #151
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Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ’That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t', she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds.
HAHA!!!!!! Effing awesome!
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Old 03-01-2011, 02:51 AM   #152
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True story... Or so they say

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him
"What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" I was waiting for something profound...

He said, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea.

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Old 03-04-2011, 05:24 AM   #153
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A guy had to get his prostate checked and wasn't sure what was going to happen so he rang his Grandad to ask him.
"What's it going to be like Grandad?" he asked.
"Well" he said in a grim tone "It's not going to be pretty..."
The guy told his pop the name of the hospital he was going to have to go to and his Grandfather said "Oh, that's the same one I went to".
"Wow" said the son, "I wonder if we'll get the same doctor?"
"Well son, when you go in and the doctor asks you to bend over, look straight ahead" said the old man...











"If you see a big head-shaped hole in the wall, that's my doctor!"

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Old 03-06-2011, 11:44 PM   #154
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Default Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Joe, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I have to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’

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Old 03-07-2011, 12:19 AM   #155
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Default The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

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Old 03-10-2011, 03:41 PM   #156
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Default Redneck joke.....

ARKANSAS....3 million people....15 Last names.......just a joke................

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Old 03-10-2011, 03:43 PM   #157
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Default Redneck joke.....

What's the best pick-up line in any state below the Mason=Dixon line???......Get in the truck!!!..........

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Old 03-10-2011, 03:45 PM   #158
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Default Redneck joke.....

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common??....Somebody's gonna lose a trailer................

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Old 03-10-2011, 06:43 PM   #159
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Default HUSBAND..and..WIFE.......

WIFE:Why are you back home so early??.....HUSBAND:At office boss told me "GO TO H#LL"!!.......

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Old 03-10-2011, 06:50 PM   #160
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Default Ten commandments.........

The ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building,there was a good reason for the move. You can't post thou shalt not steal,thou shalt not commit Adultery and thou shalt not Lie....In a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work enviroment.........

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