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Old 01-29-2014, 10:34 PM   #1581
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Bumper stickers

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals

11B5PF7M Ret.

"Beware of an old man in a profession where men usually die young".
Bohdi Sanders
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Old 01-30-2014, 02:18 PM   #1582
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Irish Yoga...........a fifth or whiskey and a pillow..!
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:04 PM   #1583
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1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
- Bill Watterson, "Calvin", It's a Magical World
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Old 01-31-2014, 05:25 PM   #1584
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An overwight woman is walking to work one day when she passes a pet shop. As she walks by, a parrot in the window says "hey lady, sqwaaauukk." She replies "yes"?. The parrot says "sqwauk, you fat lard!" The woman is extremely upset by this but continues on to work. On her way home she passes the same pet store. As she walks by, the parrot again calls her over and says "hey lady, sqwuaaakkk." She replies "what now?. The parrot says "squawk, you fat lard." The woman is very upset and she walks into the store to tell the owner what the bird said to her. The owner says " I am so sorry. I will tell the bird never to call you a fat lard again." The women, content with the owners assurance, walks home. The next morning the woman is walking to work, head held high, knowing the parrot will not harass her again. As she passes the pet shop the bird says to her "hey lady, sqwauukk." She replies " what now?" The bird says "sqwuuaakkk.....yoouuuu knnnooowww."

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Old 01-31-2014, 05:48 PM   #1585
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Idaho Washington border.
Patron Member NRA
"I would not be an old man if I had not been an armed young man." JTJ
I was taught to respect my elders but they are getting harder to find.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:01 PM   #1586
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Originally Posted by JTJ View Post
Idaho Washington border.
Awesome haha.

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Old 01-31-2014, 06:07 PM   #1587
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Yeah that is pretty cool funny stuff even though my state is mentioned on there lol

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Old 02-03-2014, 07:50 PM   #1588
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Default The Pope in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know **** about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one..?"
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Curio and Relics License Holder (FFL 03)

Gun confiscation will not happen in my lifetime.

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." C.S. Lewis
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Old 02-03-2014, 11:37 PM   #1589
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Irony 1
We are told NOT TO judge "ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics."

BUT on the other hand, we are also encouraged TO judge "ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics."

How is that supposed to work?

Irony 2
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 47.5 million people as of the most recent figures available in April 2013.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us, "Please Do Not Feed the Animals.."

Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:17 PM   #1590
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More Bumper Stickers for Tango's list :

59. A hard man is good to find .

60. If I don't get laid soon, I'm gonna hurt somebody .

61. Stop tailgetting .

62. If you can read this, you are following too close .

63. My other car is also a piece of crap .

64. I'd rather be driving my Ferrari .

65. I'd rather be fixing my Jaguar .

66. Friends don't let friends drive Fords .

67. Vote Republican. It's less Taxing

68. Gas, Ass or Grass. Nobody Ride's Free .

69. Think Globally. Drink Locally ( by a micro brewery )

70. This Vehicle Stops At All Bars .

71. (three ) I Brake for Small Animals / I brake for Hallucinations / Don't Worry- I don't Brake For Nobody !

72. Nonsmokers Do It Without Puffing .

73.( Three ) I Found It ! / I Lost It ! / I Stepped in it !

74. Support Our Troops. W'ell Need Them To Overthrow Our Government .

75. Bullseye Shooters Do It with One Hand .

76. Mercenaries Do It For Money .

77. NASCAR - I'm not tailgating. I'm Drafting .

78. NASCAR - I'm Not Speeding. I'm Qualifying .

79. Want My Gun ? Come Get It !

80. Hang Up and Drive .

81. Driver carries no cash. He's married .

82. Think, while it's still legal .

83. Janet Reno : "The Hippo With a Zippo" .

84. ( Four ) Honk if you love Jesus / Honk if you Love Pvssy. / Honk For Impeachment / Honk Twice For Noise Abatement

85. I Owe I Owe So Off To Work I Go .

86. Work- Thousands On Welfare Depend On You !

87. ( two ) Happiness is a warm puppy / Happiness is a tight pvssy .

89. Do it in the dirt - Motorcycle .

90. I brake for cute hitch-hikers .

91. I fight poverty . I work.

92. ( two ) Troopers Are Your Best Protection / A .45 is Your Best Protection .

93. Don't Laugh. It's Paid For .

94. My Last Car Payment : 1995 . When's Yours ?

95. This vehicle stops at all radar traps .

96 . Up The 55 MPH Limit .

97. Unmarked Car .

99. This vehicle Stops At All Yard Sales .

100. Impeach The Bastard .

101. Impeachment. Now more than ever .

102. Gun control is people control .

103. Spread your legs and ride it : Motorcycle .

104. Ask me how we do it up north !

105. Homeless people are grate people

Last edited by Rentacop; 02-06-2014 at 11:13 PM.
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