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Old 12-20-2013, 12:34 PM   #1561
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I heard it was so cold in Washington the other day someone saw a politician putting his hands in his own pockets
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Old 12-20-2013, 02:10 PM   #1562
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Originally Posted by cotex View Post
I heard it was so cold in Washington the other day someone saw a politician putting his hands in his own pockets
I saw a thug with his pants pulled up.
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Old 12-20-2013, 03:05 PM   #1563
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It's so cold I bonded with my heater.

It's so cold here people look forward to getting a fever.
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Old 12-20-2013, 03:58 PM   #1564
The Stanley Cup winners......the Blackhawks
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.......................
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Old 12-20-2013, 08:33 PM   #1565
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Q. What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman ?

A. Snow balls .
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Old 12-21-2013, 02:27 PM   #1566
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A man and his wife are vacationing in Ireland. They are playing a round of golf on the man's dream course. They're on the first hole when the man's ball lands in front of a barn. The hole is a dog leg and the barn's doors are open on both sides and as it turns out, the flag can be seen clearly from his lie. His wife tells him that he could probably shave a couple strokes off this hole if he's daring enough to take the shot through the barn. After some prodding he's convinced to try the shot. He hits the ball, but instead of going through, it bounces off the barn and hits his wife on the head, killing her on the spot.
One year later, the same man and a friend of his are playing the same course and as luck would have it, his ball ends up in front of the same barn with the doors wide open. When they get to the ball his friend suggests he could save a couple strokes if he takes the shot through the barn. The man responds, "Are you kidding? The last time I tried that I got a double bogey!"

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Old 12-21-2013, 05:51 PM   #1567
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A lovely young lady was undressing at a gym when her friend approached her.

Her friend commented, "I can't help but notice the reverse "F" imprinted on your lower belly".

She replied, "Oh, I had sex with Frank - he is just an old Cowpoke and wouldn't remove his belt".

Two days later her friend noticed a reverse "C" imprinted on her lower belly. Her friend asked again, "What is the C?"

She replied, "I met up with another old cowboy friend named Charlie and he wouldn't remove his belt".

Three days later it happens again but this time the reversed letters "FC" are imprinted on her lower belly.

Her friend quietly approaches her and ask, "I don't mean to be nosey, but how did both initials get imprinted on your lower belly?"

She replied, "Oh, don't worry I didn't have a 3-some. I had sex with the Fire Chief and I couldn't get him to remove his hat!".
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Old 01-07-2014, 09:37 PM   #1568
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Old 01-08-2014, 02:09 AM   #1569
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well,” he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consultants to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the*waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies, so before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the*restroom by 76.39 percent. "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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Old 01-10-2014, 12:21 PM   #1570
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Gates' new book says Joe Biden was wrong all the time . Remember when the brass in Iraq referred to Biden as " Bite Me " ?
The reason is " McCrystal Clear " now !
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