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Old 11-29-2013, 10:16 PM   #1521
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At President Obama's inauguration 21 Marines fired a salute and every damn one of them missed.

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Old 11-30-2013, 07:02 PM   #1522
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I wonder if that's a true story?
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Old 12-01-2013, 12:51 AM   #1523
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How about this one:

image-2492950990.jpg  
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Old 12-01-2013, 05:24 PM   #1524
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Don't believe it's true Vikingdad but funny and could be.

Jeff Foxworthy on why you might be a Taliban.

You May be a Taliban if . . . “

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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Old 12-02-2013, 06:47 PM   #1525
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we were together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”

“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this…two old-timers getting it on against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.”

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious love making that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about thirty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic love imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, “that was truly amazing; he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.”

As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,”except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”

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Old 12-03-2013, 11:28 PM   #1526
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Three ladies died in a horrible car crash and stood before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomed the trio and admonished them that Heaven has only one rule: Don't step on a duck.

The ladies assured him there would be no problem there as they were duck lovers. St. Peter opened the gates and allowed them inside.

As they walked along, they noticed there were ducks everywhere! As carefully as they could walk, it didn't take but an hour for the first lady to step on a duck. St. Peter showed up with the ugliest man the women had ever seen. St. Peter said, "I'm so sorry, but you broke the rule and stepped on a duck. I have no choice but to handcuff you to this man for the rest of eternity. Go and sin no more!"

The other two ladies were horrified but redoubled their efforts to avoid stepping on ducks. About a week later, lady two slipped and stepped on a duck. Up pops St. Peter with a guy even uglier than the first one. St. Peter goes through the same speech as before, handcuffs the second lady to the hideous man, and sends them on their way to spend eternity together.

Lady number 3 makes it 6 months before making the same mistake that her friends made. Along comes St. Peter with Fabio. The lady was confused, but eagerly accepted her fate to be handcuffed to Fabio and spend eternity with him. As they walked along, she said to him: "I don't understand why I'm handcuffed to you for eternity." Fabio replied: "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a damn duck!"

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Old 12-03-2013, 11:58 PM   #1527
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God Is Busy


If you don't know God, don't make stupid remarks!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor that was an avid atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came into the classroom. He looked at the ceiling and flatly stated, "God if you ae real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." the lecture room fell silent and you could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimes, "Here I am God, and I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, walked up to the professor, and cold cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today, protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like and idiot. So He sent me!"

the entire classroom erupted in cheers!

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Old 12-04-2013, 12:00 AM   #1528
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Axxe55
God Is Busy If you don't know God, don't make stupid remarks! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor that was an avid atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came into the classroom. He looked at the ceiling and flatly stated, "God if you ae real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." the lecture room fell silent and you could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimes, "Here I am God, and I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, walked up to the professor, and cold cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today, protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like and idiot. So He sent me!" the entire classroom erupted in cheers!
Nice .......

Ooorah !!!!
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Old 12-04-2013, 12:08 AM   #1529
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Nice .......

Ooorah !!!!
that is dedicated all of our sevicemen and women and to all of our veterans, of all branches of the military!
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Old 12-04-2013, 12:31 PM   #1530
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Axxe55 View Post
God Is Busy


If you don't know God, don't make stupid remarks!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor that was an avid atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came into the classroom. He looked at the ceiling and flatly stated, "God if you ae real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." the lecture room fell silent and you could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimes, "Here I am God, and I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, walked up to the professor, and cold cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today, protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like and idiot. So He sent me!"

the entire classroom erupted in cheers!
Dang it! When is Notdku going to get the MultiLike button working? +1000000 for this one!
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