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Old 11-22-2013, 10:42 AM   #1511
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Hope this uploads cause I laughed so hard when I seen it lol

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Old 11-23-2013, 12:45 AM   #1512
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Chris Cuomo and Anderson Cooper of CNN are starting a new feature together . They're calling it " Cuomo and the homo " .

Rock Hudson and Sly Stallone were working on a film to be called, " Rambutt " .

Wanna know what they found in Liberace's wallet ? A picture of Rock Hudson .

Rock Hudson had his insurance cancelled . Because he got creamed in the rear too many times .

Congressman Bob Bauman was raised on the Eastern Shore of MD but he was reared in Washington D.C.

Liberace died of botulism ( bad meat in the can ).

Rock Hudson and Len Bias died of the same thing : They both got into some bad crack .

Rock Hudson had few friends but he was up to his ass in Nabors .

They asked Rock Hudson who gave him AIDS and he replied, " Do you think I've got eyes in the back of my head ?

They buried Rock Hudson face down so his friends could recognize him at the viewing .

Rock Hudson's school did not have enough teachers but they had lots of AIDS .

CNN proudly announces new slogan : " Anderson Cooper takes it up the pooper " .

Heard about the all-gay comedy show NBC was planning . They cancelled it. Seems they needed a good straight man .

This gay marriage thing is really big. I saw a movie on VHS entitled, " The Gay Divorcee " .

The most dangerous man in the world is a Greek in sneakers .

To find out if a man is at risk for AIDS, take his temperature and have him walk across the room . If the thermometer falls out, he's at risk for AIDS .

A man was arrested for sodamy but he got a good lawyer. The lawyer got the charge reduced to " following too close ".

An old man was arrested for rape but pleaded the charge down to " assault with a dead weapon " .

Three gay guys attacked a woman . Two of them held her down while one of them did her hair .

Did you hear about the girl who didn't even know she'd been raped...until the check bounced .

A naive hooker accepted a check and later found payment had been stopped for insufficient fun .

Sign on a brothel : " Out to Lunch---Beat it . "

How many straight waiters in San Francisco does it take to put in a light bulb ? Answer : Both of them .

Two gay judges recently tried each other .

Tiger Woods still has to attend PGA meetings ( ***** Getters Anonymous ) .

How do you get 37 into 16 ? Ask Joey Buttafucco .

What did Amy Fisher say when the police cuffed her ?
That'll be an extra $25 .

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Mary Jo Buttafucco ?
Mary Jo only talks out of one side of her mouth .

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer and a crooked politician ?
Chelsea .

Bill Clinton wouldn't apologize for raping Juanita Broaderick but he did agree to put her in for the " Motel Piece Prize " .

Dick Morris was Clinton's right hand man . If only he'd used his right hand, his wife would still be with him .

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Old 11-26-2013, 07:45 PM   #1513
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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

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Old 11-26-2013, 07:49 PM   #1514
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Threetango
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Rotflmao...... Vey nice 3T
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Old 11-26-2013, 11:03 PM   #1515
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Th Irish Virginity test kit:

Paddy, one of the little Irish people is planning to marry, he is, he is. So he goes to visit the King of the Little People and asks him how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

The King says; "Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish human beings use three things for what they call a "Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit....a can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye and to be sure, what do I do with these things oh King?"

The King of the fairies replies. "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red, and the other blue. If she says, that's the strangest set of balls I ever did see!" You hit her with the shovel.

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Old 11-27-2013, 02:38 AM   #1516
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A man walks up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he'll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.
He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.
The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!".
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:49 AM   #1517
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1. A very drunk man comes out of the bar
And sees another very drunk man,
He looks up in the sky and says,
“Is that the sun or the moon?”
The other drunk man answers,
I don’t know. I’m a stranger here myself.

2. A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, “Wow, you sure must have a problem.” “If you had what I had,” the man replies, “you’d drink them fast, too.” Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, “What do you have?” “Fifty cents,” the man answers.

3. A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

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Old 11-27-2013, 04:08 AM   #1518
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The Safe Act

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Old 11-27-2013, 01:41 PM   #1519
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Default Toothbrushes

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited..
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies & I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom & dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"



"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand & I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

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Old 11-29-2013, 09:57 PM   #1520
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