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Old 11-08-2013, 07:32 PM   #1501
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rentacop View Post
President Obama says that if you are happy with your present guns, you can keep them .
Joke Forum? - The Club House
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Old 11-10-2013, 05:15 PM   #1502
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Blonde Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!”
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Old 11-11-2013, 01:09 PM   #1503
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alices miles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alicescreaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texasgame warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:29 AM   #1504
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Question : What is a conservative ?

Answer : A liberal who's had his health insurance cancelled .
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:47 AM   #1505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rentacop View Post
Question : What is a conservative ?

Answer : A liberal who's had his health insurance cancelled .
What's a liberal?

A conservative who hasn't been mugged yet.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:39 PM   #1506
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What do you get when you offer a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?*A: Change.
Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?*A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?*A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?*A: Elvis has been sighted.
A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.*"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:19 PM   #1507
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."



Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
Grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.






FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had toomuch pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.





Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
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Old 11-21-2013, 08:28 PM   #1508
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Ques. What's the difference between Martin Bashir and Sarah Palin ?

Ans. Sh!t is coming out of Martin Bashir's mouth .


Link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwipmg58Jc4

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Old 11-21-2013, 08:47 PM   #1509
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ABC's White House Correspondent, Ann Compton, has her nose out of joint ... because Obama moved his butt sideways fast .
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Old 11-21-2013, 09:48 PM   #1510
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Golfer Falls Down





A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington DC that included Barack Obama.

Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.


She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote democratic in the next election.”

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head.”
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