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Old 02-01-2011, 06:12 PM   #141
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Default Bad news about Grandpa

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still
beating.."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

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Old 02-02-2011, 01:42 AM   #142
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There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a guy standing there who said: "Hi, I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down." He did that and I said: "Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " Darned if I know I've never gotten this far before."

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Old 02-03-2011, 01:13 AM   #143
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Mickey Mouse woke up one morning and looked out his window.Someone had urinated "mickey Sucks" in the snow...Furious,Mickey called the police...After a detective performed a DNA test,he said,Well,Mickey,I'm afraid I have good news and bad news...The good news we found out who did it.It was Goofy. The bad news is,it was in Minnie's handwriting...........What's the downside of wife swapping??...Eventually you get your back......How do you know when a terrorist is depressed??....He doesn't feel like killing himself.....

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Old 02-06-2011, 03:42 AM   #144
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley

when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl

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Old 02-11-2011, 11:05 PM   #145
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Default Maria Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him, 'Where's the money?'"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

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Old 02-17-2011, 11:45 PM   #146
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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.


The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

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Old 02-18-2011, 03:11 AM   #147
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Default Nesspaper Readers

You Can Tell the Reader by their Newspaper

Here's how to keep all that political 'news' in perspective...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

8. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

9. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is read by people who want only the score of the Cardinals game. They drink Budweiser, Budweiser, and wait a minute -- what was the question?

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

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Old 02-21-2011, 03:25 PM   #148
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

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Old 02-21-2011, 05:42 PM   #149
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When do you know you had good sex the night before??...Even the neighbors had to have a cigarette afterwards.......How do you know you're a real loser??...When they ask you to be the poster boy for birth control.......Life is all about #SS...You're either laughing it off,kissing it,busting it,spanking it,or trying to get a piece of it!!!!!.........

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Old 02-24-2011, 12:28 AM   #150
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’
The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ’That was incredible, how could you tell?’
The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’
‘I promise I won’t', she says.
‘I was behind you at McDonalds.

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