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Old 10-27-2013, 03:57 PM   #1471
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Hillary goes to heaven

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:23 PM   #1472
Mommy, who lights the sun?
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A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and
announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Old 10-29-2013, 12:24 PM   #1473
Mommy, who lights the sun?
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to
take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States
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Old 10-29-2013, 05:50 PM   #1474
Mommy, who lights the sun?
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and met in the lobby, where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States
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Check out 4th FTF Shoot & Hoot.http://www.firearmstalk.com/forums/f138/4th-ftf-shotgun-shoot-hoot-vanzant-mo-oct-4-5-2014-a-105142/

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Old 10-29-2013, 10:25 PM   #1475
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If a seagull brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby, what brings no baby???? A swallow

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Old 10-29-2013, 11:39 PM   #1476
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

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Old 10-30-2013, 12:46 AM   #1477
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A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian
family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is
named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of
himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

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"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States
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Check out 4th FTF Shoot & Hoot.http://www.firearmstalk.com/forums/f138/4th-ftf-shotgun-shoot-hoot-vanzant-mo-oct-4-5-2014-a-105142/

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Old 10-30-2013, 01:12 AM   #1478
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A very old fashioned elderly man and woman decided to marry and go on a Honeymoon.

The lady told her friend and her friend offered to pack her suitcase. While packing her suitcase she placed a beautiful "Baby doll" nighty on top of her clothes.

When the arrived at the Hotel and went to their room, the groom told his bride that he was shy and while undressing for bed she was not to look his way.

The groom began undressing just when the bride opened her suitcase. She held up her nighty and stated, "It's short, pink and wrinkled".

The groom in a loud stern voice said "I told you not to peek!".

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Old 10-31-2013, 09:20 PM   #1479
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Obama promised " change " and he delivered it :

He changed from saying, " You can keep your current insurance " to " You can't keep your current insurance " .

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Old 10-31-2013, 11:14 PM   #1480
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Default When you are over fifty who gives a sh!t?

This azzhole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over fifty who gives a sh!t?

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