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Old 10-25-2013, 01:50 AM   #1461
I used to play keyboards, but now ...
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Puns for all # 1:

A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:59 AM   #1462
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A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" Granny: "nevermind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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Old 10-25-2013, 02:06 AM   #1463
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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $5000 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $10000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $20000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:12 PM   #1464
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Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a jockey?

It legal for the jockey to ride a three year old.
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Old 10-26-2013, 03:11 PM   #1465
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A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Oh ****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:22 AM   #1466
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Default Puns for all #2

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:23 AM   #1467
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(Sorry, I was getting behind...)

Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and
became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to
much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:37 AM   #1468
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Obamacare's computer Web site rollout has been...well...troubled . To help you understand, here are some common leftist media terms and their English translations :
Leftist : English :
Glitch - Fiasco
Affecting Some Policies - Losing coverage
Universal Health Care - Marxist looting

They have a new T.V. music show based on Obamacare called, " String along with Glitch " .
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:22 PM   #1469
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Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:53 PM   #1470
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Rules Of Washington
If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.
Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.
There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.
An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Chicken little only has to be right once.
"NO" is only an interim response.
You can't kill a bad idea.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
The truth is a variable.
A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.
You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.
A promise is not a guarantee.
If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.
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