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Old 10-04-2013, 01:56 AM   #1431
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Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
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Old 10-04-2013, 03:28 AM   #1432
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A young couple is dining in a fancy restaurant . The well-attired man gazes into the eyes of the revealingly-dressed woman . After awhile the waiter walks past and overhears the woman's surprised remark, " Already ? That is premature ejaculation ! "
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Old 10-04-2013, 03:49 AM   #1433
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Q. Why do they have professional wrestling ?
A. To make boxing look legit .

Q. Why do they have "People Magazine " ?
A. For readers who are too embarrassed to be seen reading the National Enquirer .

Q. If "pro" is the opposite of "con", what is the opposite of progress ?
A. ................wait for it...............congress .

Bill Clinton was accused by Juanita Broaderick of raping her in a motel room . Not only would Clinton not admit any wrongdoing but the white house refused to even apologize to Juanita Broaderick . Bill Clinton did offer to nominate her for the Motel Piece Prize ...

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician ?
A. Chelsea .

Little boy to his dad: " Daddy, do prostitutes ever have babies ? "
Dad to little boy : " Sure son . Where do you think all our politicians come from ?

Poster : " Charity walk for Alzheimers 11/1/13 ---Mark your calendar ! "

Pittsburg's streets are old . How old ? Let's just say that they've got streets made out of bricks that were probably laid before Pocahontas .

A poor man couldn't afford cheese for his mouse trap, so he used a picture of a piece of cheese . Next day he found he'd caught a picture of a mouse .

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Old 10-05-2013, 03:33 AM   #1434
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I once knew a girl named Virginia. We called her " Virgin " for short...but not for long .

Alimony : The screwing you get for the screwing you got .

One girl didn't even know she'd been raped until the check bounced .

There's a new restaurant that serves soul food and French cuisine . It's called the " Chez What ! "

The Paula Jones lawsuit against Clinton should have been easy to win . In fact, he could have won it " Pro Se " . On the other hand, it sounded more like a " Pro Bono " case ....

Colonel Harlan Sanders operated a gas station before he opened his restauants . You don't think he just sat around chokin' his chicken, do you ?

Q. Why is there always a police officer at a briss ( circumcision ceremony ) ?
A. Somebody's gotta keep the piece .

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Old 10-05-2013, 03:52 AM   #1435
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Hanging is too good for punsters . They should be drawn and quoted .

Show me a man who doesn't like cunnilingus...and I'll steal his girl .

Don't worry. Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they have Las Vegas .

A naive hooker accepted a check and found later that payment had been stopped for insufficient fun .

Ever heard the one about a naive actress who went to Hollywood and slept with a writer .

A messenger boy got lost in the huge Pentagon and emerged 20 years later as a Lt. Colonel .

They said if communism ever came to America, it wouldn't be in the form of an ugly Lenin or Stalin ; it would be in the form of someone who looked like Arthur Godfrey .
Close ! Communism came in the form of someone who looks like Godfrey Cambridge .
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Old 10-05-2013, 04:00 AM   #1436
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.
How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me
front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take
care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley
then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
ha haahahah ... I love it thanks for sharing!
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Old 10-05-2013, 11:44 AM   #1437
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A game warden began to wonder how a certain fisherman caught so many fish so he asked him . The fisherman offered to take the game warden fishing on his rowboat and show him his secret .
Once they were out on the lake, the fisherman opened a tackle box . The warden noticed that the box contained nothing but 50 sticks of dynamite and a Zippo cigarette lighter . The fisherman picked up a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water . There was a loud " BOOM ! " and a geyser of water . Stunned fish floated to the surface and the fisherman busied himself scooping them up with a net . Once he was finished , the game warden told him, " That's not sport. That's environmental terrorism . That's destroying the ecosystem . That's criminal. You call that fishing ????
The fisherman, meanwhile, was already lighting a second stick of dynamite, which he handed to the game warden saying, " Are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish " .
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Old 10-05-2013, 02:53 PM   #1438
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I get irritated when people come down on our Texas police officers, saying that they don't care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows our cops are not in that category.


In the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX police found a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while
out that night in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment. See, Texas police do care.
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Old 10-08-2013, 12:14 AM   #1439
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One day a long, long time ago Adam is strolling through the Garden of Eden. God appears and says to Adam "Adam, how are things going?" Adam replies "Okay I guess." "Okay...Okay...What more could you possibly want?" "Well," Adam replies "I would really like some companionship." God pauses for a minute then says "Let me think about this, my son, and I will get back to you."

A few days later God appears to Adam and says "I've got it. The perfect companion. She will cook for you, clean for you, take care of you in every way possible." "Wow, she sounds perfect. I bet she will cost me an arm and a leg." Adam said with a laugh. God replies "As a matter of fact..." His voice trailing off. Adam sits there thinking for a bit then pipes up "What can I get for a rib?"
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Old 10-08-2013, 12:29 AM   #1440
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hahahahahaha
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